Bossip Video

black woman contemplating 2

Dear Bossip,

I just turned 19 years old and I started working as a secretary for this company. My boss is an older white gentleman who is 44 years old.

I became very fond of him and he would tell me to look to him as a mentor. Growing up I didn’t have a family and I was adopted when I was 8 years old. I know nothing of my history. To be honest, I don’t even know my nationality. I’m fair-skinned with green eyes, freckles, big full lips, full nose and curly/nappy long blondish hair. I was never that close with my adopted family and I always felt like an outsider with them.

My boss started to go on frequent trips for the company and he would take me along as his personal assistant. I loved going because he would pay me double my weekly check. One night, on one of our trips, he came into my bedroom crying about how his wife left him and is taking his son. I felt so bad for him, but he insisted on staying in my room so he wasn’t alone because he said he was having suicidal thoughts. The next night he started talking about how amazing of a young lady I was and how he wished he would’ve married someone like me. The day before we left I awoke to three dozen roses in my room.

When we got back home he started being very flirty, touchy feely and would leave me gifts. I know the age difference is a big gap, but to be honest I started to like him. When we did go out we would get compliments with how good we looked together. Even though I’m 19 years old I could pass for maybe 25 years old. Then, one night, on one of his business trips we slept together and he took my virginity. I know what you may be thinking that this man took advantage of me, but it wasn’t like that, because I wanted to do it.

We continued to sleep together mostly every day after work. We would meet up at hotels and have sex. I’ve become madly in love with him. Things started to get rocky when his wife came barging into the office threatening to fight me. I was so confused because I was under the impression that she left him and they were getting a divorce. He even assured me that they were divorcing and that he loved me. His daughters stalked my Facebook and started sending me threats. His daughters are 23 and 17 years of age and are from a previous marriage. He also has a 10 year old son with his soon-to-be ex-wife who is 32 years old, I believe.

I found out I was pregnant and he became very distant and said that we needed to talk about our options. I ended up having a miscarriage 6 weeks into it and to my surprise he started acting normal again. He was there with me through it all and said he was distant because he was nervous about being a father again. I completely understood and we reconciled our relationship. He even took me on a vacation to Barbados where he proposed and promised that he would move me in his house once his wife moves out. Apparently, she moved back in because she ran out of money and he didn’t want his son to be homeless. Three months after the engagement I found out I was 11 weeks pregnant. I was so thrilled.

He wasn’t too thrilled, though. He told me to get an abortion because if it comes out in the divorce, then, his wife will get everything. I said no, and that’s when everything fell apart. He stopped calling me as much and he even fired me saying that I was missing too many days from work and that I wasn’t needed anymore. He also told me that people were beginning to talk at work, so before I started to show he wanted me gone so he wouldn’t get in trouble by his partners and cause a scandal for the company. Since I have no job I’ve been bouncing around from place to place. He gives me a “weekly allowance” so I can eat and handle other expenses. I’m now 29 weeks pregnant.

His wife texted me the other day telling me that she knows about my pregnancy and that she will never except my child in her home and despite it all they never were going to get a divorce and that I will never have her husband. I called him immediately and he said that this could’ve all been avoided if I just got an abortion and then he hung up on me.

I just don’t understand how he could do this to me. He said he loved me. I still have the ring. I still wear it. I’m so confused. I’m now thinking about adoption because I can’t raise this baby on my own, but I’ve also been through the struggles of adoption and I don’t want to put my son through that. Even after he said all that horrible stuff to me he’s still asking to meet up and when we do he kisses my belly or he will bring me gifts and tell me we’re a family. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m completely broken. – Broken

Dear Ms. Broken,

You call the Human Resources offices where you used to work, and you explain to them what happened, and what’s been going on. Demand that they have a meeting with you. You contact the Equal Employment Opportunity Center, it is an 800 number, and you can look them up, and you also explain to them what happened to you. They will inform you of your rights, and the laws that protects you. You do this first, and then you contact the Human Resources office where you used to work. When you contact the EEOC office, you tell them what happened, what’s been happening, and what is continuing to happen. File a report with the EEOC, and you give them, along with the Human Resource offices where you used to work everything you’ve experienced and encountered with your former boss. You have to document all of this information, including dates, times, gifts, trips, and everything he’s been doing, and has done for you the moment you start working for him. If you have receipts from the gifts, then get them. Or, take pictures of all the gifts he’s given you. If you have your plane ticket where he has taken you on trips, produce them. If you have pictures of you and him on trips together, show them and keep them. All the text messages, voice mail messages, emails, or anything he has sent you, get them and get a copy of your phone record to show how often he calls you and texts you. And, write down every date, and every instance he began touching you inappropriately at work, being flirty, and saying things to you. Write it all down! Tell the EEOC, and the Human Resources office that you want to file a sexual harassment action suit against him, and you want to sue him for firing you. Trust me, what he has done and is doing to you is inappropriate, and he feels that since you’re young and don’t know any better, then he can take advantage of you and the situation.

And, do not tell him you are going to the Human Resources office, or calling the EEOC. I repeat, do not tell him anything. Continue to let him give you gifts, money, and tell you things that he is going to do. And, keep a record of all of this.

Therefore, it’s time for you to grow up and be a grown ass woman, and take matters back into your hands. Get out of your feelings and out of your head, and it’s time you start thinking and being an adult. He never loved you. He was and is never going to marry you. He took advantage of your youth, your naivety, and your need and desire to be and feel loved. He did what most predators do, and he preyed on you and your vulnerability. Yes, he is a predator. Men like him are vile and disgusting. In your vulnerable state, and naïve senses he began doing things to you to make you feel comfortable with him, and to trust him. Predators prey on young women, especially vulnerable women. That is why he took you on a trip with him, which is totally inappropriate, and then came to your room crying talking about his wife was going to divorce him and that he needed to sleep in your room because he felt suicidal. Sweetie, that was his trick, his ploy to get into your head and heart. He played on your emotions. As your superior, your boss, he should have never come into your room. And, he had no reason or no place to disclose his personal life to you, a 19 year old, and then ask to stay in your room. That should have set off some bells and alarms in your head. But, he was using your life story and your naivety to get inside your heart and head. That was the moment he began working on you and you fell for it. After that night, and when he sent the flowers, he knew that he had won you over and that he had you. You were on the hook for him, and he continued to play you the entire time by telling you things you wanted and needed to hear. SMDH! Then, when things didn’t work out the way he planned, he gave you some bogus reason of why he fired you, and it was because he didn’t want people in the office, including his partners to learn about your pregnancy. Well, since he knew what he was doing was inappropriate, then, it’s time you let everyone know what type of man they are working with.

I strongly encourage you to find a lawyer from the EEOC office, or ask if they can recommend someone who can take your case as Pro-bono, since you don’t have a job, and they represent you. It will take a lawyer to help you through these proceedings. Also, take him to court when the child is born, and request a DNA test, in order to prove the child is his, and then you request full custody of the child. Again, find a family court lawyer, or request one who can work with you Pro-bono, and you take all the things you are supplying the Human Resources office, and EEOC office, and you share these with the court and explain to them the same thing that happened to you while working for him. Then, you tell the court that you want to put him on child support.

Look, I understand you’re feeling heart-broken, sad, and upset over what he did to you. And, you feel that the first love of your life has totally destroyed you, and you’re not sure what to do or where to turn, but you do have options. You have to start thinking and being wise about these decisions. Yes, it is your choice if you decide to give up your child for adoption, but make sure you think this through clearly and concisely before you make any rash decisions. You have to do what is best for you, but please know that you were taken advantage of by someone who is a predator. This man violated several workplace laws, including sexual harassment, and he should be held accountable for what he has done to you. You are going to have to get out of your head, out of your feelings, and see the situation for what it really is. The only reason he is giving you an allowance, and continuing to fill your head with lies is because he doesn’t want you to sue him, file charges against him with the EEOC office, or the Human Resources office. And, he definitely doesn’t want you to take him to court for child support. He is going to continue to lie to you, fill your head with empty promises, tell you things that you want to hear, and continue to manipulate the situation. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM OR ANYTHING HE SAYS. He is a liar. Again, document everything he is doing for you, and each time he gives you money you document it. If you can get checks from him, that would be better. Record all the conversations, and keep all the messages. As a matter of fact, don’t take his calls and let him fill your voicemail with messages of what he plans to do, or let him rant about the child, and what he did to you and what he doesn’t want you to do. Keep all of these and save them for your hearings. This is an unfortunate situation and I feel for you, but you’re going to have to grow up and be about your business. Don’t allow him to continue to manipulate and deceive you. It’s time you become smart, wise, and hip to the game. Take him for everything, and don’t be intimated by him or fear him. You hold the ball, and it’s in your court. Again, don’t tell him what you are doing. Don’t let him know what you are up to. And, don’t even mention Human Resources of EEOC to him. Don’t let him know or give him whiff of what you are doing. You take control now! – Terrance Dean

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