Dear Bossip: His Ex Is Starting To Get On My Nerves & I'm Ready To Confront Her

Dear Bossip,

I’m a 34 year old mother of one, and my boyfriend/high school sweetheart is a 37 year old father of two.

This past Thanksgiving we rekindled our relationship from 19 years ago. We’re quite happy, but the mother of his youngest child is proving to be difficult. Their relationship ended last summer, and he’s still paying half the rent in their old apartment, her car insurance, and up until about a month ago her cell phone bill. He picks up his son every other weekend without fail, but the mother gets very angry when she calls and he doesn’t answer. On more than one occasion, she’ll call while he’s driving and then follow-up that call with a barrage of threatening and berating text messages. She threatened to call the cops on him when she found out he let his son spend the night at his brother’s house with his brother’s kids. She constantly tells him she’s going to take him to court for child support and visitation rights. She’s now resorted to sending me Facebook messages trying to get his attention or to start a fight between him and me.

He’s handling the situation appropriately by ignoring the threats and focusing solely on his son, but it’s starting to take a toll on him. He’s been extremely patient and tries not to let her overreactions stop him from calling and/or going to see his son. I’ve yet to meet the child since our relationship is new. I’d like to approach this the right way with short discussions, a formal introduction and then possibly have him over to my home. Since the harassment has started I’ve just kept my mouth shut and ignored her, but I’m afraid I can no longer hold my tongue. I know it’s a bad idea and I’m not the type to welcome confrontation, but she’s going too far. As a mother I’m deeply offended by her actions and I’m finding it harder and harder to keep my cool. What should I do? – Getting Fed Up

Dear Ms. Getting Fed Up,

That’s his problem. His issue. His drama. His mess. It is not your problem. It is not your issue. It is not your drama. It is not your mess. Stay out of it!

This is what I don’t understand – this man has all this drama going on with his ex, and yet you feel it’s wise to be in a relationship with him? Really, ma’am? SMDH! He’s still paying half the rent for an apartment he doesn’t live in. He’s paying her car insurance, and up until a month ago he was paying her cell phone bill. Sweetie, he is still in a relationship with her. Can’t you see this? Are you that blind and desperate for a man that you can’t see he’s still involved with his ex? They may not be sleeping together, but he is still emotionally with her. Why is he paying rent if he doesn’t live there? Is it because his name is on the lease and he can’t break the lease? Why is he paying her car insurance, and why was he paying her cell phone bill? When you break up with someone you end it all. You break clean and sever ties with them. You can’t get into another relationship until you are completely free from your previous relationship, and honey, he is not free from his previous relationship. He is still bound to her, and until he disengages, sever all ties, and completely move on, then, he emotionally and mentally they are still together.

Now, you’re in your feelings about what’s going on between them, and, it’s been all of two months since you’ve been together.  Girl, two damn months! How the hell can she be getting on your nerves and you’re ready to confront her over a man you barely know? You haven’t been with him for 19 years! He WAS your high school sweetheart. I don’t understand why you are back with him. Why are you trying to rekindle a relationship from high school? You are not 16 years old! You’re a grown ass woman, and here you are mad and upset and ready to confront a woman you don’t know over a man you barely know. Does that make any damn sense to you? Are you mad because she dated and had a child with your high school sweetheart, and now you got him back and you want to have a cat fight with her over some boy? Again, you’re not 16 years old!  I swear you women always want to go after the other woman and get all up in her face and come to blows with her over a man who is at the bottom of the situation and drama which he has created!

Look, she is mad and upset because their relationship ended. I can bet you any amount of money that during their time together as a couple, and living together as a family and acting like a family, he made some promises to her – promises such as he will marry her and they will be a family. He told her that they will buy a house together, and have more kids. Trust, he’s told her some things and made some promises you are not privy to, and neither will he share them with you. So, she feels he has reneged on those promises. He has not fulfilled or followed through with what he said he was going to do. And, she is angry. So, her anger is not directed toward you, it is toward him and what he did to her, and what he said to her. He has failed to make good on his promises. Thus, you don’t know what went on in their relationship. You only have his version and his side of the story, which is what he tells you about her. And, because you are so caught up in him, happy to have him back in your bed, and you’re so giddy to be back with a HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND, you have already chosen to side with him. Remember what your parent’s or your momma told you as a child, “There is his side, her side, and then there’s the truth.” Honey, you only have his side of the story.

Stop. Think. Reassess this situation. And, really consider the following: Why is paying half her rent? You haven’t answered that question. Why is he paying her car insurance? Why was he paying her cell phone bill until a month ago? Why is still involved with her? Yes, they have a child together, and they have to communicate and co-parent, but he is INVOLVED with her emotionally and mentally. Their relationship is not over. And, you are the rebound chick. You are someone who is familiar, and he found solace in an old friend. As a matter of fact, YOU DON’T HAVE A MAN, YOU ARE SHARING A MAN.

If you continue this relationship, which I don’t advise AT ALL, they will forever be in each other’s lives. She is his child’s mother. Thus, as you know, they will be co-parenting forever! She will never be out of his life, or your lives. And, she is not going to relent, or let up on him anytime soon. As a matter of fact, it will get worse. They will fight, argue, and eventually get back together. Yes, he will come to the conclusion that the best possible solution to rectify their drama and issues will be to get back together, for the sake of the child. To alleviate his headache, this mess he has created, he will feel it’s better to be with her and try to make it work. He will break up with you and you will wonder why he chose her over you. Why he went back to the woman who caused him so much grief. It has nothing to do with you. Again, he is with you because he needs a familiar face and a shoulder to cry and lean on. You are that shoulder and ear. You are listening to him, and you’re consoling him, nurturing him, and building him back up.

You are the meantime girl, the in between girl. Of course he is happy with you because in the TWO months you’ve been together it is still fresh, new, and good to be with someone who is not nagging him. You are still caught up in rekindling a high school relationship, which won’t last because it was 19 years ago.

LET IT GO! LET HIM GO! HE IS NOT YOUR MAN! This relationship is not going to last. Why do you want to compete with her? Why do you want to fight with her? Why are you getting upset over what she is doing to him? If you don’t want her messaging you or contacting you on Facebook, then just block her. Duh! That ends that. You like this attention. You like this drama. It’s not yours. Stop trying to own it. What I’m ultimately saying is if you end this relationship, then guess what, you end the drama. If you walk away now, you won’t have to worry about this headache becoming the bane of your existence. Save yourself. It’s not worth it. – Terrance Dean

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