Dear Bossip: My Friend Is Mad I'm Dating Her Ex, But She Did Him Wrong

Dear Bossip,

I’m currently going through ups and downs with my relationship. You see, he and I are both in the same business and have had feelings for each other for quite some time.

When we first met he was in a relationship with a really great girl, but he didn’t quite do things right with her. He was married and she found out about it. His wife at the time had contacted her and told her of their impending divorce and his past (which wasn’t that great). Their relationship only lasted a few months. However, she and I ran within the same circles, and had frequent run-ins with me. At one point, I considered her a really good friend.

Now, I don’t know how she knew I was attracted to him because I never said anything to anyone about it, but she did. I attributed it to her intellect and very strong instinct. She confronted me about being attracted to him on many occasions, but I denied it because I didn’t want to ruin a potentially good friendship with her.

Well, fast forward, they’ve since broken up since last summer, and he’s now exclusive with me. Yes, I did kind of betray my friend by hooking up with her ex, but if you know the things she put him through you’d flip! She’s insulted him, repeatedly nagged him and his now ex-wife, and from what he’s told me she had major anger issues towards the end of their relationship. Now, I’m not justifying my hooking up with him, but he needed someone better in his life to encourage and support him. He’s 35 years and starting over in his life, but his finances aren’t that great. I’ve helped him get back on his feet and even grown closer to him, his kids, and his family.

After their breakup, he and I would speak daily. He’d complain about how hurt he was because of her anger and hurtful words to him, and I was there to pick up the pieces. Well, it happened. We made it official a month after that and things were going great – UNTIL RECENTLY.

When I decided to go public with our relationship, I didn’t see anything wrong with it because it’s my business. But, my friend took it upon herself to blast me and him on social media and made a complete fool out of herself, and me and him. Now, people think I’ve betrayed her, when in fact she was in the wrong for treating such a good man like dirt and then ruining my reputation. People think I’m the bad guy, when in reality she’s the child!

I’m trying to ignore it because it’s childish and stupid, but the things she said are really hurtful! She’s put a damper between us now, and my relationship is suffering because of it. He’s very angry at her, but he won’t even set her straight. This is his problem too, but instead he wants me to lay low and not even respond saying, “She is a good person. She’s just upset. It’ll pass.” She also sent me a long-winded text message about how I’m a sh***y person and a terrible friend for lying to her. And, she even called me a dog. I once considered her a great friend.

She and I had our differences, but if there was ever something I needed or wanted to talk about, she was there no questions asked. I want my friend back, but she’s resorted to being so childish and stupid it’s impossible. I know she and him didn’t work out, and she’s since moved on and even gotten her life together, and she’s getting counseling for her anger problem (which she confided in me that she has Bipolar Disorder). What can I do? She’s said some very hurtful things, and she’s supposed to be my friend. Friends don’t air their dirty laundry like that! – Heartbroken and Angry

Dear Ms. Heartbroken and Angry,

LMBAO! You are just as silly and childish as she is. Oh, you think you’re slick. You just threw your friend under the bus by sliding in that snide comment about how she confided in you that she has a Bipolar Disorder. I noticed that dig. You ain’t fooling no one. You are just as low and dirty as she is. Why mention that? What was the purpose of throwing that out there? Just as she said some hurtful things about you, here you are doing the very same thing. You can’t throw stones and then try to hide your hand.

But, here’s the problem – you claim you and she are friends. You said, “She and I had our differences, but if there was ever something I needed or wanted to talk about, she was there no questions asked.” Well, why didn’t you tell your friend about dating her ex? Why weren’t you honest about your feelings about him when she confronted you? See, you claim that you and her were friends and that whenever you needed or wanted to talk she was there for you no questions asked. Well, you didn’t go to her, woman to woman, and say, “Look, Shirley. You’re my friend and I love you. And, you were absolutely correct when you confronted me about Tyrone. To be honest with you, I do have feelings for him. I am attracted to him. And, I want to talk to you woman to woman, because you’re my friend, and I want to know that since you’ve moved on, and you’re in a new relationship, and things are going good for you, well, I wonder  if you’d mine if I slid up on Tyrone since you and he didn’t work out. Would it bother you if Tyrone and I started seeing one another, and exploring our feelings for each other?” Now, that is how you handle your grown woman –ish!

Instead, you went behind your friend’s back, and very sneakily you began seeing the man you denied having feelings for right after she just broke up with him no more than a few months later. That is sneaky and conniving. You even state that you didn’t tell your friend about your feelings for him because you didn’t want to ruin your friendship. Yet, you had your eyes set on him, and the very moment they break up, there you are to swoop in and “pick up the pieces.” You are not a friend. You are the worse type of woman, and all women should be leery of having a friend like you in their lives.

See, you call yourself being there for him, helping him to get back on his feet, and was a listening ear for him because she was so awful toward him, and he didn’t deserve a woman who abused him and treated him so horribly. Yet, she was your friend. Why weren’t you there for your friend? Why didn’t you provide support to her? And, if she was such a horrible person toward him, and she is your friend, then what does that say about you?

And, you have the audacity to sit up here and say, “Now, I’m not justifying my hooking up with him, but he needed someone better in his life to encourage and support him. He’s 35 years and starting over in his life, but his finances aren’t that great. I’ve helped him get back on his feet and even grown closer to him, his kids, and his family.” WOW! You are low down and dirty. You are trifling!

You had a plan all along. You knew what you were doing. You can’t sit up here and act surprised and shocked wondering why your friend is upset and coming at you like she is. You undermined her relationship, and went behind her back. You said it yourself that he needed someone better in his life to encourage and support him. Here, again, you are throwing your friend under the bus. You’re saying that you are a better woman than she is. You were never her friend. You used her to get to close to her man, and once the relationship was over, there you are. Swooping in. Giving him a listening ear. Stroking his ego. And, you call this encouraging him, empowering him, and inspiring him. You were the clean up woman.

Ma’am, sweetie, girl, you are sneaky. You are deceptive. You cannot justify your hooking up with your friend’s ex. Regardless of how their relationship ended, what went on in their relationship, and who did what to whom, there is no excuse and no reason you should be dating your friend’s ex, especially since they just broke up. Now, you’re mad because you take your relationship public and your friend attacks you for being a low down dirty dog, and you’re hurt and in your feelings because you don’t feel you did anything wrong. HUH?

You are nothing but this man’s rebound chick. That is all you are, and will be. He is bouncing from woman to woman, or rather, friend to friend, and you are spreading your legs for him willingly. And, I want you to notice that while you are bragging about helping him to get back on his feet, being there to lift him up, support him, and encourage him, yet, never once do you say what he is doing for you. You are painting him out to be the victim of a horrible relationship, and mean-spirited woman. He’s laying in your bed telling you all the bad and wrong things she did to him, and you’re laying there stroking him taking his side against your friend. And, then you have the nerve to say that you want things to go back to the way they were with you and her? You can’t be serious? You can’t be that damn self-absorbed, and narcissistic. Well, you are. What am I thinking.

I really want you to take a close look at this situation from your so-called friend’s perspective. Walk in her shoes and see what she is seeing and how it looks from her side. She confided in you about their relationship. Whenever you needed anything she was there for you, and vice-versa. And, when their relationship was ending I am sure she was telling you all about it. And, as soon as it ends, guess who her man is now dating – her good friend. The very woman she was confiding in about her relationship. The very woman she called a friend. She has every right to feel hurt by you. She has every right to call into question your friendship. And, no, you and she will never be friends again. You did something vile and disgusting. And, you can’t be trusted. Now, you can call her, apologize, and admit what you’re doing isn’t right. No, you should not be dating your friend’s ex, and, yes, you should have been honest and upfront with her and spoke with her woman-to-woman about this situation. You failed to take into consideration her feelings, and what this would do to her. You failed to look at this situation from all angles, and consider what was more important to you – your friend, or some d**k.  You never considered how this could be the ultimate betrayal to your friend. You were not looking out for anyone but yourself. And, you can even explain yourself to her about your actions and how bad you feel and what you would do differently. You can be honest about everything, including how you lied to her when she confronted you about liking him while she was dating him. You can be honest and tell the truth about everything, even admitting your fault in this situation.  But, if you can’t see this and recognize what you did and how it looks from the other side, then you really don’t have any ounce of remorse, or regret in your body. You’re selfish. And, the very community d**k you’re sharing, well, just know he will step out on you and he will have no qualms about sleeping with any of your friends. – Terrance Dean

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