Dear Bossip: I Don’t Understand Why He Keeps Going Back To His Baby Momma

- By Bossip Staff

black woman stressed

Dear Bossip,

For the past 3 ½ years I’ve been in an off and on relationship.

When I first met him he had a son. A few months later after getting to know him a girl stated that she was pregnant with his child. That caused a big damp in the relationship, so I left him alone. When she delivered he took a DNA test and come to find out the child wasn’t his. He reached out to me for months, but I never budged.

One day, he found me and insisted I hear him out. I heard him out and he told me how sorry he was and that the child wasn’t his. A few weeks later, we ended up trying to work this out and decided we wanted to make it official. Year two, we’re official and now the same girl comes back again and says she’s pregnant with his child and this time she said it’s his. Another stressful situation we had to go through. This time I stuck it out. I stuck it out because I felt like this girl is really trying to ruin us and is a whore that just sleeps with everybody. This time my boyfriend’s reaction towards this situation was different. This time he wasn’t so sure. He said it was a 50/50 chance that the child could possibly be his.

He and I ended up breaking up towards the end of her giving birth. He cheated on me with another female and I ended up blowing up and rushed him (meaning I fought him). After that he decided to be with his baby momma for the sake of the child. This time the child is his. He reached out to me for 10 months without any response from me. I was crushed (I never wanted to speak to him again, let alone be with him because of his bad decisions).

Ten months later we met at a party. He found out I was going to be there by a source. That night we ended up talking a few things out. He wanted to prove his love for me and of course to tell me how sorry he was. About a month later we were official again, but taking things really slow. It was very difficult for me to accept his child. But, it was easy to accept his first child due to the fact I knew about that child and he was already there in the beginning. My boyfriend and I decided to move in together. We spoke about marriage and all. Living together didn’t last too long. He ended up cheating again, talking to me any kind of way, coming home late (three times), etc.

When he cheated he and I had a huge fight. At the point I felt like again!?! Still, with all the lies and cheating? I was in shock because this time around I wanted to trust him and he gave me every reason to trust him again based on his actions. But, I guess obviously not. I just wanted us to be happy and on one accord. He felt like I didn’t love his 2nd child and I neglected him. I can say that isn’t true at all. I just needed help in acceptance, but it was never the child. My thing was after he cheated I couldn’t help but to bring back what happened in the past. All the things he had done to me, and to us who were supposed to be a family.

From there our relationship declined. Everybody was involved. Family and friends. Some tried to help the situation and some tried to break us apart (my side of family and friends). I ended up packing my bags and left and went back to my dad’s home. I never wanted to leave because I wanted it to work. Three months after moving out, we got in touch. I changed my number as soon as I left. And, now we are on talking terms. But, since I’ve left he’s slept with his baby mama again. That’s the part I don’t like, whether we’re together or not. If she is supposed to be a mistake then why are they sleeping together?

I know I skipped so much of my story, but I hope I can get some advice as to why all of this keeps happening. To include more details, he ended up taking her to court for shared custody of the child because she was keeping the child away because of me. She felt if they weren’t together, then the child won’t see his father either. I supported him along the way and I still get a slap in the face. What should I do? Right now I feel like the cycle will continue on. He claims he loves me. And, he probably does, but his way of going about things just won’t change.

His first child’s mother passed away after giving birth to him. I wonder if that could have been an affect towards his cycle. I’m not trying to find an excuse because it’s been 8 years. And his 2nd baby mama is a whore. He said it isn’t in him to hate her and he can’t. I don’t want him to hate her, I want him to be straightforward and stop playing games. He says one thing and does the next. I don’t know if he really wants be with her or not, but if he does then that’s where he should be.

And, no, I have no children of my own. I desire some, but he and can’t conceive for some reason. I’ve been pregnant before by my last boyfriend but never with this one. So, no, I don’t know what to do because that’s also important to me. I’m 28 years old and he’s 30 years old. Please help the best way you can from what I gave you. It’s not the full story because it’s so much to say but this sums it all. – Where To Turn

Dear Ms. Where To Turn,

Well, this keeps happening to you because you keep taking him back. You keep allowing him to mistreat you and take advantage of you. As long as you continue to lay down and let him wipe his feet on you, then he will keep doing it. His baby momma is not going anywhere. She will forever and always be in the picture. And, the fact that he chose to be with his baby momma after you learned he cheated with another woman, that should have been the end of him, FOREVER!

You are a glutton for punishment. You like all this drama and stress in your life. So, you have to ask yourself what is it about you that need this and him in your life? He is not positively adding to your life. He is not bringing anything to the table. He doesn’t lift you up, or inspire you or empower you. He is not going above and beyond to make sure you know that you are the number one woman in his life. No, he is lying to you. He doesn’t love you. He loves no one but himself. He’s made his choice in which woman he wants to be with, and that is why he keeps sleeping with his baby momma. That is where he wants to be. So, why can’t you get that inside your thick ass skull?

You’re making excuses for him and his behavior, and trying to figure out what is it about him, or his baby momma that he keeps going back to her. You are justifying his behavior instead of holding him accountable for what he is doing. STOP IT! Stop trying to rationalize and justify what he is doing. He is doing it because he can, and you allow him to.

Lawd, you are truly emotionally and mentally unstable. I don’t know any woman who would remain with a man after learning that the woman he supposedly got pregnant the first time comes back again a second time and says she’s pregnant, and he tells you that it’s a 50/50 chance it may be his. That was when the relationship should have ended for good. There was no coming back, talking things through, or reconciling. NO! That should have been the end of it.

Obviously you’re thirsty and desperate for a man. Obviously you are the one who can’t seem to let him go. There is some soul searching and some deep interrogations you need to do with yourself of why you keep letting him back into your life. He lies to you. You take him back. He cheats on you with multiple women. You take him back. He has babies with other women. You take him back. He tells you that he wants to be with his baby momma, but after they take a break, you take him back. You see the pattern, and the common denominator in all of this – it’s you! You keep letting him back into your life. He can’t keep coming and going unless you allow him.

And, for the life of me, I don’t understand why you are clamoring to be baby momma number three. Are you serious? Girl, you are that desperate to keep and have a man that you are willing to bring a child into this horrid drama and life with this low life piece of scum of man? He has two children by two different women, and you said the other child lost his mother right after the child was born. So, ask yourself, where is that child? He is not taking care of that child. If he isn’t involved in that child’s life, and he is recklessly active in his second child’s life, then only imagine what type of father/parent he will be with your child. Please save yourself and don’t consider procreating with this man. It’s a reason you can’t get pregnant by him, and be thankful you can’t. Besides, if he’s running up in his baby momma raw, then why are you letting him have unprotected sex with you? GIRL! I CAN’T!

All I can tell you is that at some point you are going to have to start loving yourself. You are going to have to start choosing you, and your happiness. Until you can authentically look at yourself, and learn to love yourself and choose you, then you will keep choosing him and his happiness and trying to make him happy when you are miserable and dying inside. He is killing you spiritually, mentally, and emotionally and you don’t even recognize that you are dying. I hope you will read your letter again, see the pattern, and recognize that you keep this going with him. This could all end if you simply decide to choose you, end it for good, and completely delete him out of your life. Notice that he doesn’t build you, or add to your life. He doesn’t contribute anything positive or good. He is a detriment to your happiness, your joy, and your love. Eliminate him and a whole new world will open up for you. And, please stop calling his baby momma a whore. You’re angry and upset with her when your man is the problem. You’re pointing fingers at her, yet, your man keeps going to her bed. What do you think she is saying about you? – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! 

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