Dear Bossip: I Am Concerned About My Friend & I Want To Call CPS On Her

Dear Bossip,

I have a friend who has a pretty troubled background.

Trust me, when I give you all the details of her background you wouldn’t even believe that one person can go through all that and still be alive.

I met my friend back when we were in first grade. We’re now 23 years old. Not to sound mean, but she was never the brightest. I blame that on her parents. She was always in the “slower” classes. It didn’t help that her dad took her out of school at 13 to home school her, and she never finished 7^th grade. She said her dad didn’t want her to get mixed up in the wrong crowd.

Well, when we were aged 12 years old it was rumored that her father was molesting her. She told me an uncle molested her, but 3 years ago she told me that her dad did in fact molest her as well. I always thought something was odd with her dad because I would ask her to hang out and she would say my dad says no or my dad will have to tag along. I thought it was weird, but I just thought she had an overprotective dad because her parents had her when they were 16 years old. Her dad would also supply her with drugs as well. By the age of 14 she was in rehab for anorexia and a prescription pill problem.

Over the next few years, we would lose touch then reconnect. Every time I tried to cut her off I just couldn’t. I was her only stable friend who didn’t do drugs, drink, etc. So, I stuck around trying to give advice that would go in one ear and out the other. When she was 16 years old her parents divorced and she took off with her dad. When I finally reconnected with her I found out that her dad had her stripping. She told me she wasn’t prostituting, but she had an older man that would give her things. She said she wasn’t sleeping with him, but I’m no fool. She ended up meeting an older guy who was 32 years old when she was 18 years old.

After her dad took off and left her for some girlfriend in Tennessee she moved in with the guy. I advised her not too, but she didn’t listen. This guy would go on to beat her senseless, cheat on  her while she’s in the other room, supply her with cocaine, heroine and her drug of choice Oxycontin. I severed ties with her after that because I refused to see her self destruct, but of course after I found out she was pregnant with her son 2 years ago I befriended her again.

Well, the baby was born premature, drug dependent, and with his organs born on the outside of his body. By the grace of God the baby survived, but she was still with that low life guy who constantly beat her. I finally convinced her to leave and she did well for awhile. Every minute she would leave then go back.

She did finally leave when her son was 10 months. I was happy. I thought her life was getting better, but I was wrong. She’s always been the type to depend on men, just like her mother. She can’t go days without having a man and feeling depressed if she doesn’t. She never worked a real job and only had men support her. She ended up going on a dating site and met and moved in with a guy she only known for 2 weeks. This guy was no better than her abusive baby daddy.

She called me last night and said how he pulled a gun out on her and the baby and this wasn’t the first time. She said he pulled a knife out on her and her son before as well. She’s only been with him for 6 months and moved 2 hours to be with him. I can’t take it anymore. I refuse to read in the newspaper that she was found dead or her baby was found dead.

I want to call CPS because I don’t have any other choice. Her family knows what she goes through with men and they don’t even help. Her mom is too busy stuck up under a 25 year old man to help her daughter. Also, her mom stays in and out of jail for drugs. I feel there’s no other way. So, should I call? Even though her kid wasn’t injured? Also what can I do to get her help that will actually benefit her?? – Ms. Good Friend

Dear Ms. Good Friend,

Your friend needs more than a CPS call. She needs intensive therapy, rehabilitation, and a community of love and support. You can’t do it alone, and unfortunately, as much as you may care and want to do what is right for her by calling CPS, she will only resort back to the same behaviors in less than a month. All her life she has been abused mentally, physically, and emotionally. She doesn’t know any other life than the life she has lived and continue to live. You can introduce her to a whole other world, but unless she wants to change, or she wants to do something differently, then there is nothing you can do. She has to want it for herself just as much as you want it for her.

Calling CPS on her and her child may prevent her child from being in a dangerous environment, and it may save her child. Just know that by interfering you will either lose your friend forever, as she may learn you were the one who called CPS, and she may not want anything more to do with you. Or, she may thank you and it may cause her to get herself together. But, that is a huge gamble, and a big “IF” that she may want to change her life, and lifestyle. I am willing to bet that she will resent you for interfering into her life, and she will blame you for calling CPS and having them remove her child from the home, and that is if they remove the child.

See, what will happen is that she will come to the defense of her man. She will lie and defend him because she not only doesn’t want to lose him, but she will do anything to save herself and her relationship. If she is living with him, and dependent upon him, then calling CPS and getting the authorities involved will only signal danger for her. She will make the rash choice that if she has nowhere to go, and her entire world revolves around him, then she will do anything to protect him and her situation. So, calling CPS and they come to investigate, and the child doesn’t appear to be in any imminent danger, such as any bruises on the child, or drugs all throughout the house, or them finding the loaded gun within the child’s reach, then CPS may not find the environment unsuitable. Then what? What will you do then?

I understand that you care for your friend, and her well-being. You are concerned about her child, and the danger she is putting her child in. She lives a very erratic life and lifestyle. She makes poor decisions. She chooses the wrong type of men. She can’t make rationale choices, and her judgment is extremely hampered. You can’t fix this, or her. There is nothing you can do to get her to change because she is not ready to change, nor does she know any other life. Her world is all about drugs, danger, disappointments, the wrong men, physical, mental, and emotional abuse. All you can do is be of support to her, or you walk out of her life permanently because she will continuously drag you into her drama, her mess, and her issues.

If you decide to stay and support her then you can recommend therapy, rehab, and other resources such as a battered women’s shelter in your area. You can offer to be a support system for her and keep encouraging her that she doesn’t have to remain in this situation, and she can change. But, again, unless she wants to change, and she wants to do something different, then all of this will be in vain. All your support, talking, and encouragement will go in one ear and out the other. She will think that you feel you’re better than her. She will resent you, and she will binge on drugs and other poor behaviors because she can’t live up to the expectations you have for herself. She has to want better expectations. She has to want change and to implement it. Otherwise, she will see you as someone who is interfering in her life, and nothing will change. So, again, you have a choice. You can call CPS and hope this will give her a wakeup call. Or, you can accept the reality that this her life, what she has chosen, and what she will continue to do, and you leave her alone for good. – Terrance Dean

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