Dear Bossip: My Husband Doesn't Respect My Requests About His Friendship With Women

Dear Bossip,

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for one year.

During our time together my husband has been a complete man to me and my children that are not his. He takes care of us. He looks out for us, and he does everything he can to make sure that we are okay. He comes home every night, and he isn’t running the streets like a lot of men.

However, throughout the course of our relationship we have had a lot of ups and downs. It seems like every six months there is another situation which resembles the last. I have always had an issue with men and women being friends especially when the two parties are in a relationship. This is something I expressed to him the first two months into our relationship. I recognize that a lot of people believe men and women can be friends without there being anything on the side, but I strongly believe that when one person is friends with someone of the opposite sex, then, one of those people will want something a little more, and it puts you in a position that if the time is right that opportunity can be pounced on. I also believe that even if that is not the situation, then, it has a possibility of looking inappropriate to the other party.

I never kept my feelings about men and women relationships from my husband. He agreed to the terms and said that he understood. However, throughout our six years together his actions have shown otherwise. I have always found out about female friends that he has and sometimes it looks inappropriate and sometimes it does not. With that being said, my husband agreed to the terms of being with me, but his actions have continually showed otherwise.

At this point, I’m wondering if this is where I need to be. I know that you’re going to say, “leave him and to go,” but one part of me questions old school relationships that hung in there until the end. How do I know when I’m truly fighting for the marriage to stay intact and fighting for the long run? Or, if it’s really time for me to move on?

Since we have been married one incident happened where a female friend of his from work texted him. The text was innocent enough, but it proved that they were closer friends at work than what he had led on. I asked him to stop texting her and to leave her alone. About a week later he had a frat meeting out of town and when he came back I searched his phone. I recognized that he did not text her like he said he would not do. However, he emailed her and asked her if he would she was coming to a party where he was. I’m not a fool I know he was setting up p***y. He swears up and down that he was not. I know that people love him and that he is really friendly. However, what he did was deceitful. To this day he swears it was just him trying to hook her up and get her to meet other guys where he was, but I know that that is a lie. Not only that, even though I told him to not text her anymore, the fact that he emailed her was also deceitful.

We got through that situation and then there was an issue with him being online. He and his frat brothers have a secret web page where they do nothing but post pictures of naked women and indecent comments. One of his frat brothers posted a picture of a woman’s vagina and the caption said that his old girlfriend sent him the picture and asked him to hit it again and that his wife was out of town and he needed advice on what to do. My husband’s response was, “F**k her in the p**y.”

We got into a huge argument because I told him he should not be putting things out there that would embarrass me or make our relationship look as if it is nothing to him. I also told him that I would never give advice to someone that I would not take myself. So, it made me question what he would do if he was put in the situation. Needless to say, we got through that as well.

Today’s situation involves me going back to that front page about six months later and I saw where a woman had put a post up saying that she had magic p***y and when another woman commented my husband asked the woman if she had magic p***y too? This is so disrespectful and it makes our relationship look as if it can be conquered at any minute. I don’t know what to do. And I know you tell women all the time that are in this situation that they should leave and they already know the answer. But, I don’t know what the answer is because I keep thinking about the older couples that hung in there. I keep thinking about the older women who fought through this type of BS and made the relationship strong in the end. I don’t know if I should keep fighting or give up. I know a man is not perfect and I know that people have to go through things, but I don’t know when enough is enough.

I do not feel like he has cheated on me within the last two years. My woman’s intuition is not telling me that anything is going on. We both stepped out at one point before we got married and we got through that and I do believe that he has been faithful since. However, there is a lack of good judgment and respect on his behalf. I honestly cannot explain to you how good he is to me and my children outside of this area. It is not just financially, but emotionally and mentally he takes care of us like no other. I know that he loves me and I know it to my core. I keep thinking that if I leave him then I will miss what we have together. And, regardless of what I’m telling you right now we truly do have a lot. But, when should I decide that a lot just isn’t worth it anymore? All of my friends keep telling me to stay and make it work because they see everything we have together. And, I want to make it work, but I don’t know when it is going to be time to count my loss. Please give me your advice. – He Lacks Good Judgment

Dear Ms. He Lacks Good Judgment,

Ma’am, he doesn’t lack judgment. He simply doesn’t respect you or your marriage. If your husband is online encouraging other men to cheat, and he is asking women how “magical is their p***y,” uhm, Ms. Thing, he is a womanizer, a cheater, and if you don’t think he’s cheating, well, we all think he is.

You married the good-time-always-fun-everybody-loves-him-but-he-is-a-womanizer-frat-guy. And, he is still that same frat guy who has not outgrown his college years. He still lives in that era when he was in college, having fun, being crude and rude, and running through women. He has not grown up, and mentally he is still a college boy. I believe that he only settled down and got married because, well, he was getting older and all his buddies were getting married, and he needed to be part of and do what his other frat brothers were doing – getting married and having a family.

You keep confronting and correcting him about a behavior he keeps repeating over and over again, which means he doesn’t respect you, and he is going to keep doing what he does regardless of what you say or think. Ma’am, he’s a child. You only keep repeating yourself to a child and reprimanding them when they don’t listen to you. Children repeat behaviors over and over again, and they do what you tell them not to do. They don’t listen. You told him that you do not approve of men and women being friends, especially if those persons are in committed relationships. You expressed how you don’t approve of it, and how it makes you feel. He agreed to your terms, yet, he paid you no mind and has maintained friendships with women despite agreeing to your terms and how it makes you feel. Now, when you first learned of this you point it out, tell him that it won’t be a next time, and put your foot down. The second time it happened you should have left the relationship. If he agreed to the terms of your requests and he ignored them, then, that should have been a red flag of what is to potentially come in the future. Yet, you stayed. And, you’ve gone through this time and time again, hoping that if you say it louder, differently, or with more force then maybe he will get the message. Sweetie, he isn’t listening to you.

Your husband should be your best friend. He should not have female friends. That is a potential for disaster. He’s a married man running around trying to hook-up his single female co-worker friend. Naw, son, we’re not buying that story. Why is he friends with a single woman? Nope. They’re not friends. Don’t believe that for one second. She is a potential bed buddy. Like you said, once an opportunity becomes available, something will happen.

So, the fact that you are bringing this up six years later, and after you got married, then, you knew what you were getting. You knew the type of man you were marrying. He didn’t just start this behavior, this has been going on since you started dating. You have been dealing with this since the beginning of your relationship, which explains why you and he both cheated in the beginning. You learned he was seeing other women, and had women as friends, and you got in your feelings about it, and to get back at him you cheated.

Next, you brought up that within the past two years he has not cheated. You stated that you don’t feel he is cheating because your woman’s intuition is not indicating he is doing something with another woman. Girl, let’s stop right here. You’ve been together six years. You both cheated early on. And, I guess you got past that situation and moved beyond it. However, if he hasn’t cheated within the past two years, uhm, sweetie, that means you have been dealing with his infidelities even after both you and he cheated in the beginning of your relationship. Why did you stay with him? Why did you continue to invest in this relationship? There is something you were hoping to get or want from him. What was it?

But, this is where I feel that you should not be married, or in a relationship, especially with him. Honey, you’re married and you are going through his phone checking his messages, and texts. WHY? If you don’t trust him, then why are you married to him? If you have to go through his phone to check his messages and to see who he’s texting and why he’s texting them, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with that person. Your insecurities, and not trusting him will only persist and eventually you will be showing up at his job, following him around, sniffing his crotch, and calling up women and confronting them.

Now, the fact that he is friends with a female co-worker, and you told him not to be texting her, and he agreed, but started emailing her, well, he’s playing and toying with you. In his head you said don’t text her, you didn’t say anything about emailing her. SMDH! He’s being a big ass kid and is going to do what he wants to do. Then, he goes out of town for his frat meeting, emails his female co-worker about getting together, but he tells you that it was because he wanted to hook her up with one of his friends. Uhm, yeah, I don’t buy that. How did she end up in the same city where his frat meeting was taking place? Was it a convention for his frat? And, why was she there? It is pretty convenient that she would show up while he is at a frat meeting out of town. Ma’am, don’t be naïve and don’t sleep. Your husband was going to sleep with her, if he hasn’t already done so.

Finally, your husband is part of a secret web page for his fraternity where they post messages, and nude photos of women. Your husband has posted two messages that you have read. The first was whether or not a frat brother should step out on his wife with an ex-girlfriend, and your husband respond that he should cheat. Then, your husband asked a woman if she had magic p***y. Ma’am, your husband is vile. He’s crude. A womanizer, and a cheater. If he’s telling other men to cheat, then I’m sure those sentiments are exactly what he will do, or has done. He is not going to stop unless you either leave and he realizes that you are for real when you tell him that what he does is hurting you and your marriage. Or, you get into marriage counseling and the counselor helps him with to see what he’s doing, and how this is damaging your marriage.

I also feel that you are dealing with your own insecurities, trust issues, and you are very much interested in saving face. You kept mentioning how others will view you and your marriage because of his actions and behavior. Yes, if you allow him to do this, then others will think he is actually doing what he is saying, or encouraging others to do. Also, you are caught up in fighting for your marriage, and making allowances for his behavior because older couples have done it, or gone through these things, and they have made it last. Uhm, no. Stop saying he’s a man and that’s what they do. No, that is what your husband does. You are letting him get away with this. You are allowing this to happen. You put up with this, and you don’t have any boundaries. So, stop saying what other married folks have done. You don’t know the dynamics of their marriage, their issues, or what repercussions were made in those relationships. Don’t compare your marriage to others. Your marriage is in danger. In one breath you don’t trust him and you’re going through his phone. Then, in the next you’re making excuses for his behavior. No, no, no, no! Get a backbone and end all this –ish today. Stand up and be committed to something, and create boundaries. You can’t allow him to get away this behavior with no repercussions. Talking, yelling, and arguing about it hasn’t changed anything in six years. He’s not going to stop. Get into marriage counseling. He needs to grow up, and you need to stop treating him like a college student and letting him run around like he’s still that college dude. If he doesn’t make adjustments, changes, or adhere to your requests, then you may have to reconsider your marriage. If he doesn’t respect you enough to change, then, you will know what to do. – Terrance Dean

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