Dear Bossip: I Don't Feel My Husband Respects Me Or Our Marriage

Dear Bossip,

I have been with my husband for 9 years, but married for only 6 months and I am already confused as it seems to me that he has changed since I put the ring on.

In our house we have certain standards to ensure that both parties feel respected, for example, no opposite sex calls after 10pm. No being over familiar when addressing the opposite sex (hun, babe, etc.). Let each other know where we are going, and that kind of thing. We were basically just mindful of each other and of each other’s feelings. Please note that all of these rules were set by my husband and I didn’t mind as I have nothing to hide and it worked well whilst we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

Then, we got married and it all changed. Before I say why I am writing to you I must say that the vows that I took I made before God so simply saying, “Gurl, leave him,” and quoting Beyoncé “middle fingers up” won’t help. My aim is to find clarity and hopefully a way to sort things out.

Two weeks after our honeymoon a text came through at 11:30pm saying “Hi hun, thank you for today. I’m knackered. Going to bed now, texting to say goodnight. MWAH – xxxxxxxxx.” My husband is free to answer my phone and I answer his so I saw no big deal in reading the text out to him, at first. It was sent by someone called C. Now, if a man had sent that to my phone my husband would have gone mad. He would have told me to tell him to use my God given name, not a pet name and he would have wanted to know why he was texting at that hour.

So, I asked my husband who it was and he said it was from Carl. I told him to read it again and to rephrase his answer. He got upset (why), started sweating (why) and deleted the number and the text from his phone after telling me it was a random 21 year old girl from the office he was just trying to help (why). It didn’t help that when she said thank you for today he had actually been gone the entire day, but he tells me that he wasn’t with her, he was at his mom’s. He doesn’t like it when I give my number out to men (male friends) without telling him, so I asked him for the same courtesy years ago and he agreed. But, do you see he broke so many of his own rules for a girl he apparently doesn’t know. He was offended that my head even went there because of her age but he forgets, I don’t know this person, you didn’t tell me you gave your number out, you lied when I asked you who she is, and then you deleted her number from your phone because you knew I would reply to that text.

As she works in his office, I spoke with her anyway and she confirmed that she has a boyfriend (like that makes a difference, cheating happens) and that my husband was like an uncle to her (we are 43 and 45 years old), which is strange because he said he had only spoken to her three times, to which she said she was unsure why he was lying about that part. After a long disagreement, he reiterated that he will no longer give out his number and not tell me. (I repeat, giving it out isn’t the issue, not telling me is the issue). Please note he did it again after this incident despite his promise.

Two months later I used his phone for something and he has yet again left his texting page up when I unlock his phone. I see a convo with another female that I don’t know and this time he was “hun” and “babying” her all over the place, and after he had asked me not to do it. I reminded him that when I had done it years ago he had informed me that I was being too familiar as it was what I called him, so I now wanted to know who he was so close with. As usual he changed the goal posts. Apparently we are now allowed to do it outside of our race because it means nothing (I’m confused). Again, he was offended with me because he is a black man that doesn’t date outside his race and this lady was outside of his race. All I knew was that I did not know her. I didn’t know they were so close, and I didn’t know that he had given out his number.

He was upset with me because she was an old friend from school and I should just trust him (turns out she was). So, I guess that makes it all okay. I was still upset that he was not telling me when he shares his number, as I have always told him that if he tells me he’s given out his number that will be the end of it. I just hate the surprises as some of these females have tried to pass their place. Again, he said he wouldn’t give out his number without telling me.

Then, two months later he sends me an email of a job vacancy. I don’t know why I scrolled down, but I saw a conversation between him and his daughter where they are discussing his plans to go to see his ex-girlfriend on a regular basis (once a week!) behind my back. His daughter had copied the vacancy to a previous email and sent it to him and he had forwarded it to me. I lost it and kicked him out. I was so hurt. The email made it clear that he had already seen her a few times while he was working and he hadn’t informed me. (If I bump into my exes I am to tell him btw). This woman has a history of causing trouble in our relationship and she is the only person on the planet that I have asked him to cut ties with (years ago) and he said okay. I thought he had.

Once again he argued with me and said it was my fault (the distance between us was partially my fault as I was sleeping in my own room due to him having sleeping issues which resulted in him not staying still at night. So, I remained awake all night. He was seeing a doctor to rectify it, but he wasn’t taking the medication they had given him so it was taking longer than needed). In the end, he told me the email was a “thought” and not a “plan,” and that he realized, after days of arguing, that it was a silly thought.

As this is not the first time that this woman has reared her head up into my relationship I decided I wanted to talk to her this time (she managed to get my husband’s number and had called a few times. He said he didn’t give it to her and she won’t tell him where she got it, and she called him from an anonymous number). He said that he doesn’t want me to talk to her because she is the kind of person that would lie and say they had slept together and think the entire thing was funny. I am confused as to why he would want to make a regular plan to “hang” with this chick if this is the kind of person she is. He said he will try to get her number from his daughter (who is friend’s with her daughter). He told me he asked two months ago and his daughter hasn’t gotten back to him.

A couple of days ago I asked him if he would remain friends with a friend that cursed me out to him. He said yes, and that his friends would never do it, but if they did he would still keep that person as a friend because I don’t have to like them, only he needs to like them. I was so upset. I would never allow my friends to cuss out my husband to me. Anyone who disses my husband is no friend of mine. They can advise me, but they cannot disrespect him in front of me. Years ago my mother gave me one word of advice “Never allow anyone to disrespect your husband, you are a team and a united front. Stand by your husband in public and if you disagree tell him behind closed doors. Even if your husband is wrong stand by your man.”

Two months ago he asked a friend to do some building work in our house. I told him not to use his friend because I had seen his work, but my husband wanted him to do the work on the cheap. So, he got his friend despite my feelings. The work was meant to take 2 weeks, however, 8 weeks later the work still wasn’t completed because the friend kept putting his tools down and working on other sites. We had bought all the materials to be erected, but the builder decided he didn’t want to use them and he went out and purchased his own cheaper stuff and put it up even though none of it matched. He also put the bathtub back in at such an angle that when I sat in it and I slid down to the other end to the taps (I can’t lie, the mental image is funny, but the topic isn’t).

Every time I spoke to my husband about it he stood by his friend saying that his friend was the expert and he was taking his advice. The friend told my husband that all baths are put in at an angle and my husband bought it (WTH! Where has he ever seen a wonky bath?!?) We fought so much and every time he stood up for his friend. I asked him where the backing was for his wife and he just kept arguing. He refused to see that his friend was taking a liberty and we fought daily until I moved out to my mother’s house. The builder promised to finish on a date, but then he pushed it back. He did this 3 times saying, “Next week bruh, next week bruh.” And, then the third time he did it which was week eight. I fired him and told him not to come back to my house. My husband eventually apologized for all the arguing and said it was awkward because it was his friend that I was talking about. I reminded him that this was his decision and I had asked him not to bring that man into our home, and that I would rather pay the going rate for the building work as I feared that would happen. I had no control over it as he had taken my choice away in this.

That has been my 6 months of marriage. Last night he said that he was going to do his slot on the radio from 7pm-11pm. I started calling him at 1:30am, as I was getting worried that he had been stopped by the police or in a car accident, and I tried to contact him until two in the morning. He eventually called me back and said that he had left his phone in another room in the studio and he was just dropping his brother home. His brother said hi to me so he was truly with his brother, but that gives me no comfort as my brother-in-law is a good brother, he would say anything my husband tells him to. When he goes to the radio station he is usually home by 12 midnight. Why stay out until past two in the morning and not answer your phone especially when after all of this drama? I started worrying about exactly what it is that he is doing behind my back, so I asked him to be mindful to do what he says he is going to do, and to please keep his phone at hand so that I can reach him. Last night wasn’t the first time that he hasn’t answered his phone and then calls me from the car AFTER he has left the place that he says he apparently was at. He didn’t call me while he was there when he notices the missed call. He always calls after, and always from the car.

I am not feeling the love from my husband. It feels like he is chilling and putting his feet up on my feelings now that I am married and a believer in God and my vows. He used to treat me so well that people used to comment on it, but now it feels like I don’t matter and I am fed up of reminding him that I do matter!

God doesn’t make mistakes. He said that a man and his wife should remain together for better or for worse, so I am trying. I am sure you know what it is like to over think things, and I am confused as to whether I am being petty or he is being negligent. I have prayed and it brings me comfort, but another situation will arise and I’m back to square one. I even stopped going to church because I cannot fake a smile and they will know something is wrong. All I know is that I have been very unhappy since I got married and I would love advice. I have tried talking to him and he says all the right things, but a week later he forgets his promises. If I keep reminding him he gets agitated, so I can’t repeat it and I can’t stay quiet because if this goes pear-shaped I want to have tried everything within my power to have made it work. I wanna shake him so hard. Please help. – Miserable Newlywed

Dear Ms. Miserable Newlywed,

Ma’am, I have three recommendations:

• Get into marriage counseling. After nine years together, and only married for 6 months, there are some unresolved issues lingering from when you dated. Or, he has taken you for granted, and he doesn’t feel the need to go above and beyond, and nor does he feel that anything has changed since you’re married. I don’t understand why you didn’t pursue marriage counseling prior to marriage in the first place. Also, why did you and he have all these rules and contractual agreements while you were dating? Meaning, why have the rules of not calling other persons “hun” and “baby,” and all these other stipulations? He created these rules for a reason. Why? Were you and he already having problems in your relationship? Something was up and he decided to create these rules and agreements for a reason. Why? And, ask yourself why. Who was he trying to protect? Was he trying to control you and the relationship? And, since you’ve been married he’s been breaking all the rules he put into place, therefore, he doesn’t respect you and your marriage. Or, he doesn’t feel the rules apply to him. You and your husband have some serious issues especially as it relates to other persons, friends, and casual relationships that are impeding on your marriage. These should have been worked out, or could have been worked out if you had been in pre-marital counseling. He’s hiding things from you, i.e., his relationships with co-workers, former friends, and his ex-girlfriend. He doesn’t want you to know he’s in contact with these women for a reason. Why? Something is up and I venture to believe he is looking to cheat, is cheating, or has been cheating and you’re just learning of it.

• This leads to my second observation. Your husband doesn’t respect you. He is a womanizer. He is controlling. He does what he wants, and he is not considerate of you, your feelings, your thoughts, or your concerns. Ma’am, your husband works at a radio station until late at night. According to you, he is usually home by midnight. However, he’s been coming home around two in the morning, and he claims that he misses your calls because he doesn’t have his phone on him. True, that may be, but if this is consistent behavior, even after you have confronted him, then he is doing something between the hours of midnight and two in the morning. And, the only thing someone can be doing at that time of the hour is seeing someone else. You don’t have to believe me, but that is my thinking. If you look at his behavior, you’ve learned that he has been communicating with his ex-girlfriend, and he told his daughter that he plans to start seeing her once a week. Now, I’m no brain surgeon, but if you read this, and he has shared his intentions, well, he’s making do on his intentions. Girl, you are in denial and you are truly refusing to see all the red flags, red blinking lights, and the train that is barreling down on you. He told you that he doesn’t know how his ex-girlfriend got his number, and he is going to ask her once he gets her number from his daughter. But, they have already been communicating with one another, and you learned of this by reading his texts. Girl, are you that blind and dumb? How can he be waiting to get her number from his daughter when he’s already been communicating with her? SMDH! You can’t be that damn slow. And, he is lying to you about his relationship with his co-worker, and when confronted he lied to your face. Sweetie, your husband is lying to you to your face and you have given no repercussions for his behavior. I can’t! Why are you married to him? He is a womanizer. He doesn’t respect you or your marriage. He’s hitting up ex-girlfriends, co-workers, and former friends calling them “hun” and “baby,” and you are letting this slide. He’s going to keep doing this regardless of what you think. He knows you are not going anywhere. Hell, it’s been 9 years and you’ve put up with this. Yes, I know this is nothing new. And, you are going to keep putting up with it because you don’t have any self-esteem or self-worth. If you valued yourself, then you wouldn’t allow this to go on, and you wouldn’t allow him to continue doing this to you. This marriage may be over. And, you either leave, stop trying to rationalize his behavior and what’s going on, or you are going to continue being miserable and unhappy because he is not going to change.

• Why doesn’t your husband respect you, or listen to you? Why did your husband take sides with his friend over you? And, why did he argue with you in front of his friend, and make you out to look as if you didn’t know what you were talking about? But, again, this is not the first time your husband has done this. What boggles my mind is that you married him knowing all this information about him, and knowing about his cheating behavior, wandering eye, failure to come home before midnight, and maintaining friendships with other women. You claim that you don’t want to hear my advice on leaving him, and walking away from your marriage, but what do you want me to tell you? Stay and make it work. Stay and let him continue treating you the way he has for the past 9 years, and will continue doing so for another 9 years? So, if you stay, then separate. It’s time for a break, and you need to be away to get your thoughts and your head together. Consider all the facts, all the truths, and all the realizations of what’s going on in your relationship. Take the time to work on you, figure you out, figure out if this is what you really want. And, yes, get into marriage counseling, and get to the root of why he is doing what he is doing to you. Find out the root cause of his behaviors, his lying to you to your face, and his disrespect of you and your marriage. Find out why he is telling his daughter that he plans to cheat with his ex-girlfriend at least once a week, and also the fact that he has already been seeing her while he is at work. And, while you’re at it, perhaps you can find out where he is going after he leaves the radio station at midnight. Who is he spending his time with? What is he up to? I hate to tell you this but your husband is dishonest. He is not trustworthy. He refuses to acknowledge his own rules or agreements. He is disrespectful to you and your marriage. He doesn’t see you as an equal. As a matter of fact, he is quite comfortable with you. Within six months of marriage you’ve already left your husband and went to your mother’s house. You’ve learned he’s been calling women “hun” and “baby,” and he’s communicating with women you know nothing about. Oh, yeah, you’ve stopped going to church because of his behavior, which means he is able to get you to stop believing in your faith, and you say that you are unhappy in your marriage, you don’t feel your husband loves you, and no matter how much you complain, vent, or tell him how you feel you don’t feel respected in your marriage. Like I said, you stop get into marriage counseling and get to the root of everything. Or, you finally have had enough and you walk away from him and the marriage. If he’s been doing this for 9 years, then I doubt if he will change. – Terrance Dean

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