Bossip Video

Anxious African American woman frowning

Dear Bossip,

So, here’s the deal. I met this guy 2 weeks ago at a football party.

He has texted me non-stop, even texted good morning and good night every day. Not to mention he texts as soon as we get off work. I’m pretty sure he’s a player, but because I see the best in people I am not so good at being a judge of character.

Okay, so he asked to come over one night, but then when I told him he couldn’t spend the night he changed his mind. Then, he proceeded to say maybe we can do dinner and a movie one night this week. I said okay. That night came. I asked him what we were going to do and he said a lot of cuddling and kissing. I reminded him that he mentioned dinner and movie. Then, he said he would cook for me. After I let him know that he had to bring whatever he was cooking he decided he wasn’t about all that. So, he came over and we just hung out in my living room talking and watching TV.

Then, he invites me to his softball game, so I go. The following Friday night I finally let him sleep over. We had sex, which wasn’t that great actually. He came over the next night to a party I was hosting. He spent the night again but we didn’t have sex. The next day (Sunday) he decided that he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. He went from wanting to date and possibly a relationship to not knowing. However, he says he doesn’t want to end things completely. I mean seriously? Thank you for your time. What do I do now? – Holding Pattern

Dear Ms. Holding Pattern,

I think things are pretty cut and dry. What are you missing or not clear about? It’s not brain surgery or rocket science. He wants S-E-X!

And, sweetie, it’s been all of two weeks. TWO WHOLE DAMN WEEKS! If he is expressing this behavior this early on, and you can’t see what he wants, then you obviously don’t have a clue. Please stop deluding yourself. Stop trying to figure out what signals he’s sending, what messages he’s communicating, and what is underneath his intentions. He is not doing or saying anything that is not in line with what he has been doing and asking. He is interested in bedding you.


And, on the topic of texting; you people and these textual relationships. Do people actually call or dial numbers to hear an actual voice any longer? How can you develop and create a relationship with someone via text? Someone please explain that to me. And, the sad part is that it’s not just the younger generation, but some of you grown ass folks are participating in this behavior. What the hell?!?!?! But, I digress.

Oh, another thing, when did dating become going to someone’s house to hang out. You both know damn well that the both of you are horny asses. But, you convince yourself that you have all this restraint and that nothing is going to go down, and guess what happens, “It just happened. I let him sleep over.” SMDH! Dating is going out and observing someone’s behavior in public and interacting with other people, and especially with you. It’s about going to various places that the two of you have in common. It is exploring new adventures together. It’s not going to someone’s house and sitting in the living room and watching television, especially not on the first date. Ugh! I can’t with you people.

But, you obviously found something you liked about him because you kept entertaining him and his conversation. So, ask yourself why after several conversations and him being clear about what he wanted that you let him come over, have sex with him, and then get upset when he says he doesn’t know what he wants anymore, but that he doesn’t want things to end between the two of you?

You left the door wide open (meaning your legs) with an invitation to your bedroom and bed, and now you want to clutch your cheap pearls and act like Ms. I Got Some Values And Morals And Self-Respect For Myself. LMBAO! I can’t do you today.

So, to answer your question of what to do now? Uhm, hmmm, do you want to be his booty call? Do you want to be his jump-off? Do you, and can you, handle a casual sexual relationship with him? You did state that his sex game was not all that, but I’m certain you can teach him and train him on how to handle you and your cooty-cat. LOL! But, for real, it’s been two whole weeks and you are expecting him to be your knight in shining armor, your Romeo, your prince charming, your new man. He is not about that life, or about being in a relationship. He is just running game, and playing you to get what he wants.

That man is not interested in anything more with you other than sex. He’s made that painfully and abundantly clear from the beginning. But, you, and like so many others don’t listen to when someone is telling you who they are and what they want. You figure if you can get them to see how holy and virtuous you are that they will succumb to your light and change their evil and trifling ways. Chile, miss me already.

Ma’am, he wants sex. He wants you to be his booty call. And, that is not what you want. He wants to be friends with benefits. You don’t. What he’s communicating and expressing is not in alignment and part of your desires. Therefore cut your losses, move on, and make a note that this was a lesson learned. Know from this point moving forward that you need to listen and hear when a man is telling you what he wants. If he keeps stressing sex, sexual encounters, sexual contact, intimacy, cuddling, hugging, lounging, caressing, massages, or anything that requires body contact, then he is not interested in being in a relationship. He wants sex. Now, get back on the saddle, and mosey along. I’m certain there is a man out there who wants a relationship and will respect you and your body. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)**

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Hiding In Hip Hop   Visible Lives


Bossip Comment Policy
Please read our Comment Policy before commenting.