I am caught up in my own love square (no not triangle). I’m currently in a long distance relationship and I’m having major second thoughts.
My boyfriend doesn’t show me enough attention. He claims he’s always working and if that’s the case that’s fine, but can a sister get a text message. We had plans on him and his son moving to the state I’m in and getting our life officially started. Well, time has flown by and now I’m thinking maybe this isn’t such a good idea. If he can’t show me some kind of attention from afar then when he gets here it may be worse. No need to waste our time and confuse his son.
So, in comes guy #2. This guy gives me all that I’m looking for. He has picked up the slack and then some from my boyfriend. Attention, conversation, makes me laugh and is overall a really nice person. When he and I first met we agreed that what we have will not be a relationship. It was strictly just us having fun and you know what else. LOL! But, lately he seems to want more. I explained my situation to him from the beginning and he understood and agreed. He claims to be able to do for me what I want. Age-old story. Who’s to say that if I agree to this he won’t turn out to be the same thing I’m dealing with now?
Then, strolls in guy #3. He’s an ex who wants a second chance. I haven’t told him about my situation, but I’m sure he knows I have someone. He was a good boyfriend, but I just couldn’t deal with his lack of motivation. Since we’ve been apart he’s done a complete turnaround. I still have feelings for him, and, yet again I’m not sure what to do. Any advice is appreciated. – Pair And A Spare
Dear Ms. Pair And A Spare,
Girl, you deserve a standing ovation! Do you see everyone cheering, clapping, and applauding you? I loves it!
You certainly can teach some of these women a thing or two. How fabulous to have options in men? How fabulous to not allow yourself to feel that you have to put all your eggs in one basket? Because if you were to wait on guy #1, yeah, uhm, you would be sorely disappointed when he moved to your home state. I love your line where you state, “No need to waste our time and confuse his son.” Girl, I love you!
You’re absolutely right. If he doesn’t have the wherewithal, time, commitment, and dedication to at least text you while you’re in a long distance relationship, honey, things will not change once he moves to your neck of the woods. It never fails, and I’m here to tell you, people expect and think people will change for them. LMBAO! If you believe that, you clearly are named Boo Boo The Fool. If someone is exhibiting behaviors early on in a relationship like guy #1, they are tell-tale signs of what’s to come. Don’t think that you, or anything you say, will make them change. They must be willing to change on their own. If he’s not committed and dedicated at this juncture, then, sweetie, you’re doing the right thing and cutting your loses and moving on. Chile, trust your gut instincts. If you’re not feeling it, then don’t do it!
Now, with guy #2, enjoy it, enjoy it, enjoy it. But, allow yourself to explore the relationship with him. There is no telling what may happen in the long run. You just have to allow yourself to be willing to let your guard down, and take it one day at a time. And, girl, stop comparing him to guy #1. That is a big mistake, and folks do it all the time. They compare boyfriends, and men, clumping them all in one category. Just because you had a bad experience with one guy that doesn’t mean all men are the same. That was just that one guy. Honey, that man is picking up the slack from guy #1 and goes even beyond. You better enjoy him. He’s fun. He’s a nice guy. I mean, what more do you want? Chile, don’t sleep on that man. And, I mean that literally. If you keep putting him off, he will dip out on you, and then you’ll regret, wonder, and question yourself after the relationship is over. Trust me.
Okay, so guy #3 is an ex and is interested in rekindling the flame. Girl, stop it. As Vivica A. Fox said on Wendy Williams’ show, “Put that where? Back there!” It’s a reason he is an ex. It’s a reason the relationship is over. Leave it in the past. Don’t revisit, re-live, or try to recapture it. Congratulate him on his success, and his about-face on his motivation in getting his life together. But, that is a road that has already been traveled and journeyed. Don’t allow your better judgment to be convoluted by the memories of the d**k. I know that’s one of the main reasons why you’re strongly considering getting back with him. BAMN! BOOM! POW!
Look, Ms. Pair And A Spare, my suggestion is to explore guy #2 and allow the natural order of things to happen. He’s everything you need, and he’s willing to be in a relationship with you. Honey, the man says he can do all that and then more. Chile, as I say to men, “Don’t tell me what you’re going to do. Show and prove!” So, darling, let him show and prove! I agree, talk is cheap. Actions speak clearer and louder. So, get your life, and enjoy yourself. Let guy #1 go. Be honest with him about your feelings and let him know of your concerns. Stand by your decision. Trust me, he will try to convince you and make a believer out of him that he will change. But, it shouldn’t come at the point of your ultimatum, or ending the relationship. And, guy #3, chile, boo! Miss me and him. That’s not even a topic of discussion. Keep living, loving, and having fun. And, I hope you and guy #2 will have a great life together. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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