Dear Bossip: I’m Dating Two Guys & I Don’t Want To Have Break Either Of Their Hearts

- By Bossip Staff

black-woman-serious

Dear Bossip,

I am 23 years old and I am financially secure. However, my job that requires a lot of my time.

I recently decided that I needed to focus on my personal life and start dating. I started dating two guys. One is a total sweetheart, while the other is a sensitive asshole. Now, I know you might feel this should be an easy choice based off description, but it gets complicated. The sweetheart is 6’3, handsome, and the sex is AMAZING. The downfall is that he is broke. He is taking care of his grandma who is sick, so all his finances go towards their household. He does try to do sweet little things, like cooking me dinner, or buying me a single rose, but I am used to being wined and dined. He is also great with communication, but he can be quite corny at times.

With the other the other guy, he is a sensitive asshole. However, he takes me out all around the city. He has even flown me to different cities, but we don’t talk for days at time, and his sex is mediocre. He often likes to belittle others and he is very rude. He likes to talk about himself way too much, also. He is sweet mostly to me, but the way he treats others is a turn off. I want to choose one to focus on because it’s getting quite hectic at work again. I don’t want to break either of their hearts. Please help me with a solution. – A Rock and A Hard Place

Dear Ms. A Rock and A Hard Place,

Ma’am, this is a no-brainer. Be by yourself and just date. Why do you want to be in a relationship? Why do you feel you have to make a choice? Why make a choice and you’re busy with work, and you won’t have time, and you’re going to cancel dates because of your busy schedule and work life? Just date and have fun. Don’t make this more difficult and feel that you have to make a choice. You don’t. You’re dating. And, dating is just hanging out, enjoying someone’s company, and you have companionship for movies, dinner, brunch, outings, and other social events. That’s dating. So, I don’t understand what choice you feel you have to make.

Girl, you folks will make things so hard and difficult when it doesn’t have to be. I swear some of you don’t know the difference between dating and a relationship. And, you wrote that you were interested in dating. Therefore, date. As I stated, dating is not being in a relationship with someone. It is having fun with someone else, going out, and getting to know one another. If you choose to have sex, then make sure you protect yourselves, and enjoy it. You’re not committing yourself to someone by dating. You are exploring the dating scene, and keeping your options open. And, guess what? You can date as many people at one time as you choose. (GASP!) Yes, dating doesn’t make you decide on one person. It’s seeing multiple people and enjoying multiple encounters as you desire.

A relationship is when the both of you are interested in being with one another monogamously. You both are seeking to be in a relationship with one another, and you only want to focus on each other. You have decided, after a number of dates, that you want to build a future with that person. You and that person feel that you would be great partners together, and you have strong feelings for one another. You enjoy each other’s company, and companionship. You like being one-on-one with that person and vice-versa. You can see yourself being with this person for the long haul and meeting one another friends, family members, and loved ones. That is a relationship.

You are dating two guys. Date them. Enjoy the company, and what each one brings to the table. The first guy seems great, but he just doesn’t have any money to do great and extraordinary things like the second guy. However, the first guy is creative in what he can do, and how he can entertain you. So, enjoy it, and him and stop complaining. He’s a nice guy, handsome, and has great sex. You’re not making him your man, and he hasn’t asked you to be his woman. Therefore, date, have fun, and keep it light and easy. And, it’s commendable that he is taking care of a sick grandmother, and her household. He’s a gentleman and cares about family. He’s attentive, and compassionate. Those are great qualities to have. Appreciate that, and him. And, who knows what may happen in the future. His situation will not always be the same, and it will change. Don’t be so eager to get rid of him for circumstances that are out of his control.

The other guy likes to wine and dine you, which you enjoy. That is something you desire in a man. So, you’re getting what you want. However, he is not a nice person. He’s rude, self-indulged, and mistreats others. Besides, his sex is mediocre. What you do like is his money and what he can do for you, like the trips, and dinners. It really shows more about you than about him. If you are willing to put up with all this just so you can get nice dinners, trips, and little trinkets, then you are shallow. But, again, you are dating. So, enjoy the outings, help him improve on the sex, and curb his rudeness and call him out on it.

Look, stop making this about a choice. It’s not. You’re dating. So, have fun and enjoy yourself. Let both of them know that you are dating and not looking for anything serious. And, stop being too serious because it’s not that deep. One of them will emerge, and when it’s time to consider a relationship I’m sure one of them will ask you, and that is when you can decide if a relationship is what you want at that time. Until then, neither has asked you to be his woman, so stop fretting, and stop thinking you have to make a choice. You don’t. – Terrance Dean 

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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