So my partner of four years and I were living separately at the beginning of the year.
We lived in different cities, which was a 6 hour drive between us. He recently moved into his aunt’s apartment. She doesn’t charge him rent. He’s just required to keep the bills updated and keep the apartment in good shape. The previous tenants left the place completely trashed, infested by roaches and bills running through the roof! It was disgusting, and it’s come a long way since.
We got into a pretty bad fight which lingered in the atmosphere, for 2 months, unresolved with obvious bitterness between us, but we did eventually sit down and hash things out and move on. I also relocated from where I was and moved in with him. I got a job through him where he works. Different campaigns, different floors so we don’t see each other much at work which I like.
So, before I moved in with him, he tells me that he’s gotten a roommate to help him cover some bills that accumulated from previous tenants. And, the tenant is a woman! I wasn’t crazy about this. I have now met and gotten to know her, but I obviously had a bunch of questions when this first came to my attention. How did you find her? Why did it have to be a woman? What’s the arrangement? The story apparently is that she has a sister who lives in the same building as us (confirmed, I’ve met her too) who couldn’t provide a place for her as soon as she needed it. She had obsessed boyfriend issues that got her fired. The sister and my guy happen to be friends from way back, so he’s doing this as a favor to her. It’s just temporary.
Turns out my guy isn’t actually friends with the sister, so I don’t know how he met this girl. Also, that obsessed boyfriend? He comes over for a week at a time. He says there’s an agreement between him and the tenant – she has to pay a specific bill since the building is owned by my guy’s aunt. No rent is required, but they do need her to pay a utility bill for as long as she lives here. She’s been here since July, it’s now November, and the bill has gone unpaid.
She’s been working part-time for the last few months, but has started a more permanent position. I don’t know WHY boundaries weren’t set clearly from word “go” because now they’re not organized. People buy food whenever they want. Eat food they didn’t buy. Do chores when it suits them. They both smoke (our roommate and my guy) designated ashtrays are disappearing and being replaced with cups that we used for drinking out of!
He’s complaining to me now, even though when I started asking these questions I was made to feel like I’m being unreasonable and throwing my weight around! Sometimes, I feel like telling him to f**k of and fix this mess on his own because whenever I have any objections he wants
to be an “assertive man” and “put me in my place.” He tells me this apartment isn’t my responsibility and that he can make these kinds of decisions if he wants. Yet, he runs back to me with his tail between his legs when he realizes I’m on to something. I realize he’s always suspicious of me because I tend to put myself first, so his logic is that whenever I object to something, it’s because of selfishness, but now HE is the one suffering (It’s not the first time too! He’s had similar dealing with colleagues where money was lent out and not paid back after I’ve told him numerous times to stop doing that!)
I don’t know anymore. I used to like that he had a big heart, but now it seems like he’s just easy to walk over. He’s complaining to me now and I know him, he’s going to want me to hold his hand in solidarity when he asks her to move out or try and enforce rules and I actually don’t want to be a part of it. I like our roommate now, and I don’t want to be the bad guy, LOL! Okay, not because of that, but because I’m tired of always seeing things coming, giving him a heads up about them and he dismisses me because he assumes I’m being self-serving. This could’ve been avoided if he actually heard me when I spoke up before instead of him thinking I’m b***hin!
So what do I do? Throw him a lifeline or let him swim his way out the deep end? – Nice Guy or Pushover
Dear Ms. Nice Guy or Pushover,
I’m curious as to why you would move into the apartment, and he already has a roommate living there? It seems to be pretty crowded with all you grown ass folks living there, so I’m hoping there are multiple bedrooms and bathrooms. Also, I guess my point is that if your boyfriend is such a pushover, and a nice guy, and you feel folks take advantage of him, then, aren’t you all taking advantage of his situation? By this, I am saying that he lives in his aunt’s building for free. All he has to do is cover the bills and maintain the property. With that, and basically, he is living for free and just paying the utilities and buying groceries. He’s saving a helluva lot of money. So, I don’t understand why he got a roommate in the first place. And, then, you moved in, and I’m wondering how and what are you contributing, which I gather that you aren’t giving anything toward any bills, and probably just buying basic groceries. So, I’m wondering if all of you are taking advantage of your boyfriend, and of a free place to live.
Oh yeah, he did get you a job where he works as well. So, not only do you have a free place to live, he also got you a job where he works. Hmmmm, so, who’s taking advantage of whom?
Hell, if all he has to do is pay the utilities, and I’m sure they are quite minimal, then all of you are making out like bandits. You don’t have any overhead costs, and you get to save a lot of money. So, I’m not sure why you are complaining. If he moved the other woman into the place to help with the utilities and she hasn’t made any payments, then what is the problem with just putting her out? He doesn’t need your help and assistance with that, not unless he really doesn’t like confrontation, and he’s afraid of her. But, instead of complaining and whining to you, then, he needs to grow some balls and put her and her abusive boyfriend out of his place. If he didn’t make arrangements for her man to be there, then why is he there? If she was in a tight spot and needed a place to live, and she was trying to get away from her boyfriend, then why are they laying up in the spot? Something isn’t right, and I don’t believe his story, which you later learned wasn’t the truth of how he knew her. So, I don’t know why he can’t put them both the hell out. They don’t contribute to anything. They are not paying rent. They don’t pay any bills. They are basically running him and his place, and he is allowing them to do it. He invited her into his home and she brought her man with her. THE HELL! Naw, he created this mess, then, he should be the one to end this arrangement or agreement. He set the tone of this situation, and he needs to handle it. This has nothing to do with you, and it’s not your place. It’s not your home, and his aunt did not make any agreements or arrangements with you. So, this has nothing to do with you, and you can’t do or say anything about it. You are just another tenant in the house just like his roommate.
Otherwise, if he wanted to have boundaries, and to ensure that she paid bills or contributed to the household, then he should have put something in writing, got it legally bound by a notary, and created a contract. This word of mouth and verbal agreement is nothing, and means nothing. Things get lost in translation, and folks will deny saying they said something. So, he needs to put it in writing, have her sign it, and make sure they both adhere to the contents of their contract.
And, I don’t understand this living in a foul place, and no one is responsible for anything. It just goes to show that all of you are trifling and nasty. You moved in and instead of helping out and cleaning up the place, you just tossed your bags in the closet and hung up your clothes. And, now you’ve befriended the trifling nasty roommate, and don’t want to be in the middle of your boyfriend’s attempt to put her out. HUH? What type of woman are you? After all the complaining and b***hin’ you did to him about her and the place, and now you want nothing to do with it. SMDH! So, don’t have anything to do with it. And, he’s right, it’s his place, and he can do whatever he wants with it, and invite whomever he wants to live there. It’s none of your business. I don’t see why you’re still there, and laying in all that filth and living with all them grown people. That is not cute or attractive. It’s nasty and it sounds dirty, unclean, and a health hazard. Why can’t you just get your own place? Why not move out so you don’t have to be in the middle of his mess and his business? You can have peace of mind, and not worry about who is cleaning what, and why they are using drinking cups for ashtrays, and no one will eat your food. But, you won’t move because you are enjoying all of this. You like the drama. You like the mess. Yes, if you can live in mess, then you enjoy drama and mess in your personal life. It says a lot about you. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: firstname.lastname@example.org Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!