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Dear Bossip,

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years. We have 2 children together and we both work 40 plus hours a week.

His oldest brother is taking care of their aging mom, who has a variety of ailments, but he was recently diagnosed with diabetes so can’t handle her 24 hour care anymore. He asked my husband if he and I could take her in. We discussed it and decided that since we both work full-time and have 2 small children, then, we would find a care facility to put her in. I did research to find the perfect one during my weekends off and during my lunch breaks. He said he was looking as well.

Fast forward a month and I had to go to on a 3 day business trip. I talked to my husband everyday to see how the kids were and how the search was going. He assured me everything was good. When I got home I noticed our guest room was packed with suitcases and odds and ends. My husband tells me he moved his mom in because he didn’t agree with any of the places that were on our list.

I love my mother-in-law, but she needs more care than either one of us can provide with 2 children and full-time jobs. Not only did he move her in behind my back, but when I addressed the issue he said I could just quit my job and stay home to take care of the kids and his mom. That is not even an option because although he makes good money it’s not good enough to survive on one income and take care of his sick mom and two children, plus bills. How do I address the situation again without making it look and sound like I don’t care about his mom and want to just to leave her hanging? – Ms. Angry But Trying To Be Understanding

Dear Ms. Angry But Trying To Be Understanding,

Girl, you have a bigger issue than your husband moving your mother-in-law into your home behind your back. Your husband slick low key is not forthcoming, honest, or truthful. I’m sure this isn’t the first time he withheld something important from you, or avoided telling you something important and vital, and I’m sure in the past that he’s even went as far as did some things without consulting you first. And, that is a problem.

Your husband probably never considered or even looked into finding a care facility for his mother. I’m sure once he got the call that his brother could no longer take care of their mother, he had made the choice in that moment that you all would take her in. I’m sure he probably told his brother and mother not to worry about it because he would tell you and you’d be okay with it. But, once he discussed it with you, and he learned you were not on board with it, then, he played along and had to find an alternative plan. And, that manifested when you went on your business trip. Aha! It was the perfect way time in which you would be away, he wouldn’t have to confront you or ask you, and he could just move her in, and explain later.

And, here you are having to get on board with the program. Here you are dealing with adjusting your life, your home and your attitude toward your decision of moving her into a facility, and you thought that you already made it clear and thought that you and your husband had agreed upon this decision. Sounds to me like he manipulated and deceived you.

So, the bigger issue is your husband’s actions. How do you deal with that? What are you going to do about his lying, his manipulation, and his deception? You can’t take it out on his mother because I’m sure he probably told her that you were on board with it, or that he would get you on board. Hell, he lied to everyone.

Now that she’s there, then, perhaps you and he explore Medicaid or Medicare options, and if she has health insurance, then, you look into getting her a home health aide that can come into your home while you and your husband are at work, and on the weekends. This will help you all while you’re at work, and you don’t have to worry about anyone being at home with her during the day. At night, then you and your husband should negotiate and come to some agreement on her evening and night care. Also, if she is not on Medicaid or Medicare, then get her on it as soon as possible. Or, your husband can add her to his health insurance, which will increase your monthly pay in, but, since he moved her in and feels that you all can take care of her, then let him put her on his insurance plan.

I don’t feel that you should have to quit your job and be a stay-at-home mom and take care of his mother. That is not even an option on the table, and something you never considered, or even need to do. She is not your mother. She is not your responsibility, but as his wife, then you can be supportive, but quitting your job to care for her full-time is out of the question. And, for him to even recommend or suggest this is absurd. But, obviously in his brilliant thinking and sneaking behind your back he thought of this as an option, and he felt you would be on board with this crazy idea. I’m sure he didn’t think it through about who would buy her medicine, take care of her full-time care, run errands, take her to doctor’s appointments, clean her, feed her, and on top of this you will still have to take care of an entire household, including your kids, and your husband, cooking, cleaning, and maintaining your own self-care. That would be a burden beyond measure.

Again, confront your husband and find out why he did what he did. This lack of communication, making decisions without you, lying, and sneaking and doing things behind your back needs immediate attention and it needs to be addressed. Then, you tell him to figure out Medicaid, Medicare, or her other health insurance plans. Find a plan that will cover an in-home health care aide while you’re at work, and to help out on the weekends. You need the full scope of what her medical needs are, and what is the best possible care and attention she will need. You also have to make sure the extra room and bed are equipped with and suitable for her medical needs. Your husband disrespected you, and ignored your conversation and decision on something that you felt you had agreed upon. I understand it’s his mother, and he didn’t want to see her in a facility, but to move her in despite your conversation, despite your request, and lying saying he was out looking at facilities is a slap in the face. He owes you an apology, and a helluva lot more of making up to do after this stunt. I wouldn’t let him off so easily. – Terrance Dean

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