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Anxious African American woman frowning

Dear Bossip,

I am 34 years old and have been in a seven year relationship with a man who has four kids with four different women.

We work together, and he has never introduced me to his mother. I have only met two of his four children. He lives in another town with his mother, but he has his own apartment in their multi-family house. However, he stays with me when he has to work. I have never been to his mother’s house. I don’t even know the address. I have never been in his apartment that he says he has at his mother’s house. I spend my holidays alone most of the time because my family relationships are not the best. He is well aware of this. He has spent most of his time, prior to meeting me, in prison, so he is just building his family relationships. I want to know if I am settling or doing a disservice to myself. Or, should I really reconsider this relationship and our future together. – Where Is It Going

Dear Ms. Where Is It Going,

Sweetie, I really don’t know what you want me to tell you at this point. You’ve invested seven years of your life with someone who has completely left you out in the cold. For seven years you have been with someone who has not introduced you to their mother, you don’t know where he lives, and have never been to his home. He shacks up with you when he has to work, but you don’t even know where he lays his head when he’s not with you. He is not with you on the holidays, and thus, you are left to be alone. He doesn’t even have the decency to invite you over for a meal, for company, or to get out of the house. Not only are you not a part of his life, he is using you and you allow him to because for some reason you feel that having a piece of a man is the same as having a whole man.

Now, ma’am, I really don’t know what relationship you think this is, but from what you have revealed this is not a relationship. You are a hidden woman. An invisible part of his life that he keeps in the dark, and hidden from all those he loves, and who are part of his life. So, ask yourself why are you kept in secrecy. Why doesn’t he introduce you to his mother, or bring you to this home where he lives, or invite you to spend the holidays with him?

Well, my guess is that maybe he lives with one of his baby momma’s, and during the holidays he is splitting his time between the four of them, or at least two of them. He is spending the holidays with his family, meaning, his baby momma and his kids. He can’t and won’t risk bringing you around because, well, you’re basically a side piece. You are a side chick. You are nothing but another bed warmer for him, and you’ve been doing it for seven years. So, the reason you don’t know where he lives, and have never been invited to his home is because he doesn’t have or own a home and is living with another woman. But, that’s my guess.

What I really don’t understand is why are you dating a man who has four children by four different women. Are you hoping to baby momma number five? What is the appeal of him? What does he have to offer or bring to the table? You’re 34 years old and have settled for a man who lives in his momma’s house, and calls the space that he co-habitats an apartment. The room that he is probably renting from his momma is not an apartment. I don’t care if you or he calls it a multi-unit house. He is renting a room. He is a boarder. So, please explain how he can be contributing to you, or even build a life with you when he can’t even get out of his momma’s house?

You’ve spent seven years trying to fix up this man, or invest in him when he won’t even fix up himself, or even invest in himself. He’s had seven years to get his own place, yet, he is still in his momma’s house. He has four children by four different women, so, we know he is on child support, and he probably is not contributing to all four of them. I’ll bet he doesn’t even have a good rapport with all of them. So, please, explain to me what is the appeal, and the attraction you have for him. How is he making you better? How is he empowering you, lifting you up, or investing in you or your so-called relationship? The man doesn’t even bring you around for the holidays. He’s not invested in you. He’s not invested in your relationship. How can he pour into you when he can’t even pour into himself?

It’s time that you realize that this relationship has been and will continue to go nowhere. It is a dead end, and has been a dead end since it began. It is not fulfilling. It is not rewarding. It is not building. It is not growing. It is not even moving. You asked if you are doing a disservice to yourself, and I would say, yes, you are. You are doing a horrible disservice to yourself and your well-being. You deserve better, more, and greater. You can’t expect someone who can barely take care of himself to possibly take care of you. You can’t expect someone who doesn’t love himself to possibly love you. No, he doesn’t love himself or you. If he loved himself then he would have saved his money and got himself his own place by now. If he loved himself then he would know that he is hurting you, destroying you, and using you. He can’t see any of this because he doesn’t love who he is. He can use you, take from you, and not feel any type of way about it because he is empty. Walk away. Move on. Stop letting him use you, and not give anything in return. You deserve so much more, and he cannot be at the top of the list of great men or men who are deserving of your time, energy, or space. He cannot rise to the level or occasion you need him because he can’t see greater. He doesn’t have the mental or emotional well-being to be better, or be greater. And, if he is what you desire and all that he represents, then knock yourself. Just know that you will never meet his mother, never be invited to his home, and will never be anything more than just a woman he uses when he needs something. Otherwise, you’ll see who you are, and what he is, and you will really begin to reevaluate this relationship and end it. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!


Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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