Dear Bossip: I Just Learned My 14-Year Old Daughter Is Dating An 18-Year Old Who Has Given Her 4 STDs!

Dear Bossip,

I am a single mom dealing with a teenager who is in love with a boy that is a danger to her.

My daughter met this boy back in April and has been seeing him ever since. The problem is that she is 14-years old, and he just turned 18-years old. I’ve never approved of this relationship when I found out about it a month ago.

The state that I’m from says he was under 18 at the time they met, so it’s nothing they can do. I plan on moving next month, so hopefully that will end the relationship.

My biggest concern is that he has given her 4 STDs!! I am a Medical Assistant, so I have warned my daughter about different diseases and how they affect the body. One of the diseases is genital herpes!!! When I took her to get formally diagnosed she was crying and upset. An hour later she wants to be back with him. I told her he doesn’t care about her because he still has not been treated by any doctors and still has all those diseases!! (Trichomonias, Gonorrhea, and genital herpes)

I even have her seeing a psychologist, and she says that’s not going to stop her from being with him. I don’t know what else to do.  – A Mad Black Mother

Dear Ms. A Mad Black Mother,

Ma’am, I am mad with you, and for you! Good lawd! Whew! I swear I would be locked up if I found out my 14-year old daughter was dating an 18-year old boy, and he gave her 4 STDs! Oh, hell to the naw! Yeah, you would be reading about me on every blog, and seeing me on all the news channels. Ain’t no way his ole nasty infectious tainted penis and crusty baby nuts would be walking around. Hell naw!

Let me gather myself and take a few deep breaths. Chile, you got my blood pressure up with this letter. I wish my child would tell me that it’s not going to stop her from seeing him. She would know what temporary blindness feels like, and it would be the last time she ever said something like that to me!

First, I don’t know what state you live in, but I’m not buying that, “Since they met when he was under 18 that there is nothing they can do.” Uhm, the hell!!! He is 18-years old now, and dating a minor. That is still statutory rape. What dissolves him from being 18 and dating a 14-year old? What state will overlook an 18-year old dating a 14-year old even if they met while he was under age? I strongly urge you to look to the courts, talk with a lawyer, and get some legal professionals involved. I don’t believe that for one minute the state will not press charges, or consider it illegal.

Next, I would be at his parent’s house, and confronting him and them. Don’t go angrily and judging them because you may not be able to get through to them, and they may be resistant in hearing you. But, let them know that you are truly concerned, and they should know what is going on, and that he is infected with several diseases, of which he has transmitted to your daughter. Go there with all the paperwork and proof, and, if they are resistant in believing their son is responsible for the STDs, then you schedule a visit with them, and him to the doctor. Both parental teams need to work together as a unit, and then you need to express to your children why this relationship is detrimental to the both of them, the age difference, and the legal repercussions behind it all.

Now, I’m mad that you just found out a month ago that they’ve been dating since April of this year, which means it’s been six months since they’ve been dating and intimate. Uhm, not judging you, but why did it take you this long to find out about this relationship? How and what the hell is she doing, and where is she going at 14 years old? I know you work, but there is no way she should be outside after 5pm, hell 6pm, not unless she is in afterschool programs, or involved in some sports activity.  Other than that, she needs to be under supervised guardianship afterschool while you are at work. Because trust and believe, when you have a teenager you need to know all of their movements, and whereabouts in this day and age. Especially, with new technology such as cell phones, computers, and social media.

With that, I strongly suggest taking her cell phone, computer, and other access to social media outlets which will give her access to this nasty a** boy. Cut off her communication with him. Don’t allow him at your house, in your house, near your house, or around the perimeters of your house. He needs to know that whenever he steps near your daughter that there is the threat it may very well be his last.

There needs to be some boundaries set with your daughter, and how much access and freedom you give her. Discipline is in order, and I mean taking her cell phone, computer, and access to social media, and, then once she has earned your trust, and has been able to earn back certain privileges then you allow her to use the computer. But, only with monitoring. You check her emails, social media sites, and what she’s doing and whom she’s communicating with. And, if she gets out of school before you get home from work, then she needs to be involved with afterschool activities, or being supervised by a guardian. She should not be left alone in your home while you are work.

I am glad that you have her in psychological treatment. That is a forward step in figuring out why she finds this relationship so appealing, and what is lying at the core for her and this attachment to him. But, are you in these treatment sessions with her? Sometimes these sessions are good for the teenager only, but having the parent sit in and both express and share what this means to one another helps. Perhaps you should ask the therapist if you can sit in, and see if your daughter has some underlying issues with you, or resentment that she is holding on to. And, maybe she is upset and angry about her father not being in the picture, if he is not. She may be looking for a father figure type to give her love, and attention.

I also suggest getting your daughter involved at your church, and speaking with other women besides you. Perhaps her interacting with other teenagers that her own age in the church, and being involved with activities centered around the church, and group activities will help her to grow and see things differently. These teenagers may be positive influences, and may be able to speak to her and reach her in a way that you as an adult cannot. Also, have her meet and speak with some of the elder women in the church, i.e. the First Lady, or young adult pastor. I would even go as far as having her speak with the pastor. Perhaps she may feel comfortable talking with your pastor and sharing with him/her things that she may not feel comfortable sharing with you.

You may want to consider attending an infectious disease group meeting with your local clinic. Your daughter will get a rude awakening by hearing the stories of others who have been affected by infectious diseases and what is has done to them.

Finally, moving is a good idea, but it will not resolve the issue. Why is your daughter dating this older guy? What does she find so appealing about this relationship, and being with him? Again, this will come out in the therapy sessions. And, just because you move it doesn’t prevent her from running away to go see him, nor does it prevent him in taking a bus, or train and coming to visit her where you move. Sit with your daughter, talk with her, and let her express her feelings and what’s going on. But, again, she may not feel comfortable telling you everything, so continue the therapy sessions, get her involved with your church and other young teenagers, and see if there is someone at the school she feels comfortable talking with. When they say you need a village, ma’am, you need the village now! You need a team to help you get to the bottom of this issue, and to help you resolve what’s going on with her. But, you’ve got to stay on top of her and this situation because these STDs can lead to one infection she will never get rid of. And, pregnancy is looming very close to your door. Don’t give up! Exhaust every resource, and possibility. – Terrance Dean