Dear Bossip: For 18 Years He's Abused Me, Spit On Me, Called Me Out Of My Name & I'm Fed Up & Ready To Leave

Dear Bossip,

I have been with my husband for 18 years. And, I know I will sound just like all the stories I read on here where it is a woman that has made stupid decisions and lost her self-worth.

I have three children by him, one from a previous relationship. I put up with so much that I am embarrassed to say it, but I will for the sake of being told the truth about my situation and just how others think and ultimately an opinion because although I know what needs to be done I continue to stay in this ridiculous relationship.

I got with this man, and we dated, and about a few months later he was locked up for a violation.  He did about eight months and returned to my house where he moved in with me. I got pregnant about 3 months after and when I found out I was pregnant I had a black eye that he gave me. I remember telling his mother and aunt the goods news with a black eye. I overlooked it because I was pregnant and I am not one to get an abortion and I just pushed it to the side as if it would never happen again.

He ended up isolating me from friends, family, and from going anywhere. He would accuse me of any and everything under the sun. I am always constantly trying to defend myself.  Mind you he didn’t have a job, and I was the only one working. He would ride by my job and watch me work then complain of how I would be bending over. Mind you, I worked as a supervisor overseeing adults with disabilities who do janitorial work.

He would complain over anyone who tried to befriend me so that I would not be around them.  I have been beat, but I am not someone that allows you to just beat up on me. I will let you know how I feel but no more than that. He has spit on me in my face while being angry. Once, he went in the restroom and urinated in a cup and dashed it on me. I am so embarrassed that I have given him 18 years of my life and I feel so stupid. It has been so long now I have gotten use to doing close to nothing outside of being with him.

I have no social life, friends, and family. The family that I do have they only come by my house and I visit with them in their homes where he can watch us rather than doing girl things or shopping like women do, or just getting out the house sometimes. I am so miserable I do not know what to do. He calls me so many names to where I literally believed I was stupid, no one wants me because I am so dumb and retarded, I can’t think straight, and a whore.

I go to work and I am accused of cheating at work because that is the one place he isn’t with me.  Any male voice he hears he acts like we are an item. He calls me at work and expects me to answer every time he calls or else I am doing something. He has it to where I have to call at lunch every day and most times we talk we get into an argument.

Last week we went to see Mike Epps and I paid for everyone including him and my oldest son and his girlfriend. The very next day he starts arguing with me and he ended up spitting 2 times in my face followed by the word bish. He called me all sorts of names, and how I ain’t –ish, and I’m probably this and probably that. He accuses me of being with his friend. I have so many stories over 18 years I would be jumping all over the place.

What I am trying to say is over the years with all this happening I have built a wall. You cannot do me cruel and dirty and expect me to be a perfect wife. I now have no feelings for him other than loving him as a person because I have been with him so long. I do not like him at all. If we are in a room together I will sit on another couch or I will have nothing to say. I may even get up and leave the room.

He drinks alcohol every day and after he does all of this he wants to be cool as if nothing happened, and you cannot do that to me. I wasn’t raised that way. He thinks he can spit on you, call you all out of your name, and think it is a new day and let’s go do something.

I know I need to leave, but I am threatened with taking the kids, and my things that I have worked for. I met him in my early 20’s and we are now in our 40’s, and now he finally has a job, but does the bare minimum. I am the one who will furnish the house and have done so over many years He only really buys things for himself or things that other people will see. He drives a BMW and keeps it immaculate, but when it comes to the house or anything the outside world can’t see he can care less.

I know what I need to do, but it is hard when you have been with someone who has brought your self-esteem down so low. I went back to school because I thought I was just so stupid. I managed to earn my Associates Degree, and I am now working on my Bachelor’s Degree all the while holding a full-time job working for a large insurance company. – Tired Of Being Tired

Dear Ms. Tired Of Being Tired,

Girl, you are better than me. I would wait until he went to bed, and I would boil a big pot of grits, and then go into the bathroom and piss in an old black pot. While he’s sleep, I’d throw the piss on him first, and then the pot of grits. Then, I would walk out of the house and get into his BMW packed with my children, and some clothes and drive off!

I don’t understand dealing with 18 years of this mental, physical, and emotional abuse, being humiliated, torn down, mistreated, disrespected, and isolated from family and friends. This is the classic case of staying with a tormentor, and abuser, loving them, and, then emotionally and mentally checking out of a relationship, yet staying.

You are a zombie. He’s killed your spirit. Now, you are just going through the motions, hollow inside, and the longer you stay he will continue to destroy the last bit of sanity you have. DON’T DO IT! DON’T STAY A DAY LONGER! It’s time to leave and get your life back, and take back your sanity, self-worth, self-esteem, dignity, and worth as a woman.

Ma’am, I’m glad you went back to school and earned your Associates Degree, and you’re working on your Bachelor’s Degree. That is a step in the right direction to educating yourself, but you need to liberate yourself from this chauvinist, woman-hating, ignorant, low down piece of –ish.

The mistake you made was continuing to date him some 20 years ago when he got locked up on a violation and he had to return to prison. Then, you let him move in with you when he got out. HELL TO THE NO!!!! For all you women out there who think it’s cute when your man gets locked up and you want to be a ride or die bish for him, take heed to this woman’s story and what your life will potentially become.

I suggest you begin to let your family know what’s been going on. Yes, I’m sure they know, but you need to keep a record of these incidents of his abuse to you. Tell someone, confide in a family member or friend. You have to tell someone what’s going on. Also, keep a diary or journal. Keep it at work so he can’t find it, and you document what’s going on. Write down everything, how it makes you feel, what he’s done to you, and the damage it has done to you and your children. Then, the next time he spits in your face, and becomes irate then you call the police, file a police report, and let them know that you feel threatened, unsafe, and endangered. You have to keep a record of these because the next step is to start saving money, and find an apartment, or home far and across the city. Don’t let him know where you’re going, nor do you tell his family, or anyone he knows. No one should know except your immediate family members, and hell, only your momma.

Then, you file for divorce, and let the court handle the proceedings. You have documentation of his abuse from the police report, you have character witnesses who can speak on your behalf about the abuse and how you shared with them what was happening in your marriage. And, you have your diary/journal which you can share in court.

You don’t have to put up with this, and 18 years is far too long to be someone’s doormat, punching bag, and verbal lashings. You don’t deserve any of this, and he’s a sorry a** excuse of a man for what he does to you and how he treats you. It’s time to rebuild yourself, and rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth. Join a church, become active in church and talk with your pastor about what’s going on. Join the women’s group and find an ally in someone who can help you and give you support. A strong support system and network is what you need.

I understand you put everything into your home, and you have invested in it and some “things,” but those things can be replaced. You can’t replace your life. That man will kill you if you remain in that relationship. He will destroy you and it will be too late to do anything with your degrees. You have to get out of that house and out of that marriage. Hell, if you need to find a shelter, or domestic abuse center, find someone and a place of refuge. They will help you, but you got to be willing to leave and leave all that stuff behind. Save yourself, and save your children. Now, go boil them grits and get ready for tonight. – Terrance Dean

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