Dear Bossip: I Need Physical Intimacy, But He Wants Intellectual Intimacy

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I don’t even know how to start. I am 21 years old, and my husband is 35 years old. We’ve been married for two years.

We were friends for a month. We worked together every day. Then, through a crazy turn of circumstances my friend moved in with me temporarily until he’d find another job. Things happened and we ended up falling in love. So, by the time we started dating we were already living together.

Fast forward 3 months and we got married. For one, he is religious and believed it was sinful of us to live like we’re married, but not be married in the eyes of God. Second, I needed to get my green card and he said he’d rather marry me for free than having his woman pay someone else to be with her on papers, and of course, we truly love each other.

Before you start judging and saying I got married too early and stuff, keep in mind I have been making money since I was 16 years old. I moved on my own from Europe to this country at 18 years old, and I come from a family where my parents got married young as well, and after 25 years they’re still together.

So, those three months were bliss! We were making love like crazy and fighting just as much. Two years later, the fights stopped and so did the sex. We still make love about twice a week, but I have a huge sex drive. Now him, well, he said that sex in the past cost him two children in child support and baby mama drama, and to him being in a relationship is feeding his intellect and it is more important than sex.

I’ve cried, begged, withheld, dressed up, talked dirty, and have done everything you could think of. I even lost weight back to the way he met me because I thought that would attract him to me like in the beginning. It didn’t quite work. We talked about it and we still do, so many times, and he even said that when he turns me down I shouldn’t take it personal because he’s a brainiac and that’s why his past relationships didn’t last long.

Apparently every woman he’s been with ended up cheating on him. I didn’t know why, but now I understand. What makes it really difficult is that he is a great catch. He is really good looking, really smart, amazingly talented, very affectionate, loving, caring, loyal, everything I ever wanted in a man except the bedroom part. And, it turns out, that is very important to me. I get depressed thinking that before getting married we’d have sex three to five times a day, and now twice a week, of which most likely I’ll be the initiator.

I wish sometimes we hadn’t got married and we stayed boyfriend/girlfriend because it seems he cared a lot more back then to keep up with my standards and to please me. Now, he’s saying that watching a movie is more interesting to him than sex. After doing some research I found that he might have an extremely low sex drive and the only reason why he was going at it in the beginning was because it was all new to him and he was trying to impress.

Now, that he got me, he’s revealed his true self. I’m hurt. I’m desperate. And, I just want him to want me like I want him. What do I do? And, no, there is no other person in the middle and divorce is out of question until I get my citizenship. And, I truly love this guy. I’d love to have a family with him later on. But, I don’t want to live frustrated either. Help! – He’s Not Fulfilling

Dear Ms. He’s Not Fulfilling,

You married too soon. You got married for convenience, and you got married for your own selfish reasons – to get your U.S. citizenship.

You didn’t even really know your husband prior to jumping the gun and rushing to get married. If you’d gone to marriage counseling, and you really communicated with him, then you would have known about his sexual appetite, and you’d have known that he was into being stimulated intellectually, and mentally.

Now, notice that once the sex went from three to five times a day, to now you are having sex twice a week, and it’s because you said you’ve gotten to really know him, or, he’s revealed his true self. Sweetie, if you’d taken the time to get to know your husband in the three months you were living together, then you wouldn’t be in this situation. And, I want you to really pay attention to what you said about your age difference and what he is saying to you and what you’re doing.

You stated that you’ve dressed up, talked dirty, withheld, cried, begged, and talked with him about why you’re not having the same type of sex you were having prior to being married, or the first three months of your relationship. He’s told you that he likes to be mentally stimulated. He’s a brainiac, and he wants to be intellectually f***ed. Notice that you haven’t done any of that. You are not hearing him, and he’s telling you what he needs and desires. You’re doing everything else to get him excited, and he’s telling you he wants you to f**k his mind first. If you can stimulate him intellectually, then he will be stimulated physically.

But, that’s age sweetie. That’s the difference between you being 21 years old and him being 35 years old. You feel sex is physically doing something, and he’s telling you it’s mentally stimulating for him. You think he has a low sex drive, and you’re not hearing what he’s saying to you. He’s telling you that you don’t stimulate mentally and intellectually. He’s telling you that though he may love you and he is not turning you down, he’s just not being stimulated the way you think he wants to.

He’s told you that sex has cost him children, child support, and baby momma drama. And, he’s told you that his previous relationships didn’t last long because he has different interests and desires of being turned on. So, perhaps, he did the same thing previously by hopping into bed with women and making it appear he has this insane sex drive. But, he’s older, wiser, and mature now and knows the error of his ways. And, maybe, he doesn’t want to be pressured again into making the same mistake again. Yes, you’re his wife, but he’s being honest with you about what he really likes, what turns him on, and how he’s matured and grown over the years. But, he should have told you this in the beginning and not later.

Yes, the other women cheated on him because maybe he wasn’t honest with them upfront, and did the same thing he’s doing with you. He was a sex hound in the beginning of the relationship, and he was doing what he felt he needed to do. But, once the novelty wore off, and he wasn’t being stimulated in those relationships because they were based on sex, or they physicality, he stopped being sexually active, and realized he wasn’t being mentally or intellectually stimulated.

The point I’m making is that you’re much younger than he is. He’s had the opportunity to have a number of relationships, and make mistakes. He probably regrets a lot of the choices he made when he was younger, and he recognizes those choices cost him a hell of a lot, including children out-of-wedlock, baby momma drama, and child support. You’re younger than he, and your desires, needs, and wants are clearly different from his. You haven’t had the opportunity to really enjoy your youth, have fun, and really date. Sure, you can say that marrying young, and you knowing what you want is part of your maturity, however, clearly you don’t know a lot about marriage, or your husband.

You got married for a green card. You got married for your own selfish reasons. He agreed, but before making that step you should have really explored and got to know one another. You two were physically attracted to one another, but a marriage and relationship is much more than that. And, now you’re finding out the hard way that your marriage is suffering because of the physical. Listen to what he is saying. He wants to be stimulated mentally and intellectually. Find out his interests, and what of those interests turns him on, and how you can become part of those interests. That means you’re going to have to expand yourself. You’re going to have to listen to him, participate in his interests, and find some common ground for yourself to engage in those intellectual things you may find boring. His sex drive may be low, but it appears his mind is very active. Work his mind. But, I don’t think you’ll be married very long. You stated that divorce is out of the question until you get your green card. And, though you want a family if things don’t change you’re not sure if you will last. You’re not committed to this marriage. You’re committed to getting your green card. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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