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Dear Bossip,

I am a 25 year old lesbian. I have a daughter from a previous relationship.

I have been in an off and on relationship with the love of my life for about 3 years. When we’re on, we are damn near perfect, but when we are off it is like hell. I really do love this girl and I planned on marrying her, but during the time we were off we found out she was pregnant. This threw a wrench in our plans.

I wasn’t mad at her for being pregnant because we were off when it happened. I was mad with her for sleeping with a man. And unprotected at that! She told me it was a one night stand. But, I talked to him and he said they had sex multiple times, and it was all unprotected. I was hurt, shocked, and crushed, but I was still willing to forgive her and move on.

I need some advice. She wants to go to counseling and wants me to adopt the baby. Should I stay? Or, should I keep it off for good? – My Lesbian Girlfriend Got Pregnant

Dear Ms. My Lesbian Girlfriend Got Pregnant,

Uhm, but, err, uhm, how are you going to adopt the baby when the father is involved? If he hasn’t given up his parental rights, and he has no plans on giving up his parental rights, then how can you adopt the child? (Sips tea)

And, if he told you that they had unprotected sex multiple times, and she lied and told you that it was a one-night stand, then how can you move forward if she is lying to you about her infidelities? (Sips tea)

Also, you say that you are a lesbian, but is your girlfriend a lesbian, or is she bisexual? What happens if you decide to stay in this relationship, and you two happen to break up again, and while you’re on break she sleeps with this man or another man? What happens if she comes back pregnant again? And, if she is bisexual, then, what happens when she wants some penis and she needs the company of a man? (Sips tea)

My problem is that many of you get involved with these wanna-be lesbians, or these “I’m a lesbian today, but not on the weekends,” and then get upset when they go sleep with a man. Before she became the love of your life did you discuss with her in detail about her sexuality, sexual preferences, and desires? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you knew, or know that she still likes men, and that she needs some penis. Why, you ask. Because in your letter you state that you were not upset that she was pregnant, but that you were upset she was pregnant by a man. HUH? Does she have an ex-boyfriend, and you knew that if she cheated it would be with him, and not some random dude? So, you’re upset that she’s pregnant by a random dude you don’t know about? I’m just asking because how can you not be upset she is pregnant, but you’re upset she’s pregnant by a man. How else would she get pregnant? (SMDH)

Look, you can go to counseling, and work on this relationship, but you need to know the type of woman you’re dealing with. If you’re not sure about her sexuality, or her sexual desires and preferences, then you better get familiar real quick. Otherwise, you will end up in this situation yet again, and it will be with another man involved. Also, if she is bisexual, then you need to make sure that you are okay knowing that she will need to be with a man at some point. Or, perhaps, this may not be the relationship for you. She may not be the woman you need, and it may be best to move on and find a lesbian woman and not a bisexual woman.

I truly feel there are some underlying issues in your relationship, and the main issue is your woman’s sexuality. She is not being honest with you about her true identity. If she is misleading you, then you have to get to the root of her deception. Why lie to you and deceive you? What is she gaining by this? What purpose does she have for being dishonest? And, I know you may feel you know her and that your love is deep, but if she lied to you about her one-night stand and got pregnant, then I’m sure she is lying to you about other things. I know that you said that you have forgiven her, but how can you trust her? Trust, honesty, and communication are key factors to sustaining a healthy and enduring relationship. She hasn’t done any of the three with any type of integrity. So, in order to make up for her lies, dishonesty, and deception she is playing you by asking you to adopt her child. Sorry, that’s a text book case of playing on your emotions and heart strings. Don’t fall for it. She clearly wasn’t thinking about you while she was laid up, spreading her legs, and having unprotected sex with dude on multiple occasions.

Don’t let her play your heart, mind, or emotions. It’s obvious she knows how to get to you, and you fall for it every time. Don’t let her back in so easily. She has to earn your trust. She is going to have to work at her communication skills, being honest, and being true to herself and to you about her sexuality. She can’t play these games, and run back and forth between you and when she feels she needs a man.

I say you take this time to focus on you, focus on what you really need and what in a relationship, and decide if you really want to be with someone who can lie to you, deceive you, and mislead you. Also, the child’s father will forever be involved with your lives if you choose to marry her. I don’t think he is going to give up his parental rights and allow you to adopt his child. So, you need to know what you’re really getting yourself involved with. And, just know, if she slept with him multiple times and produced a child, then, what is to prevent her from sleeping with him again after the child is born? They will have a relationship, a co-parenting one, and there is nothing to stop them from hooking up again. I’m just saying. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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