Dear Bossip: I Want To Be FWB, But He's In An Open Relationship & Wants Us To Commit

Dear Bossip,

I met this guy “Adam,” about 5 years ago and we had sex on the first night.

That night blossomed into us having sex often and we eventually grew into friends. He introduced me to his mother, grandmother, and sister. I could go and hang with him anytime and we didn’t always have sex. We enjoyed each other’s company.

Then, I found out Adam was a “player” and had a few other girls he entertained. I didn’t get mad or even mention it because I am not his girl and I enjoyed the sex very much. Things seemed to be getting “serious” between us and I pushed away and started seeing him less. Then, I met a man and got in a serious relationship. I cheated with Adam during my relationship. Three times the first year and once a year for two, but stopped and cut off all communication with him for a year.

Adam showed up at my job, which I had already quit to start another. My estranged boyfriend and I are hopeless…..he’s still secretly talking to an ex and I just found out they could possibly have two kids, ages 5 and 4, and he denies them! To me he’s a lying coward to hide children from me for almost 4 years all because I don’t want a man with young children. While he’s (bf) trying to hold on I have rekindled that old thing with Adam. He tells me how he’s tired of me overlooking him and how we can be together and he’s single and I need to hurry and get rid of my dude (we live together) so we can be the way he wanted to be for years. I am not interested in Adam as a mate because I KNOW he’s doggish. Two females would take photos with him and tag him or put little hearts on his page but he would quickly remove the tag or comment which led to me discovering his doggish ways and me pushing away. So, he is currently “dating” one of these girls (per her Facebook, and, yes I lurked. LOL) and they have an “open” relationship.

So, here’s where the mess comes in. I finally contact him after about 5 months of him showing up at my old job, and a year of no communicating. He tells me he’s been looking for me and he lost his phone and my number. We talk and make plans to meet up for a rendezvous. He explains that he’s waiting on his new apartment to be ready and is staying with his cousin. I get to the apartment and realize it’s a female cousin’s home. He zips me to the room and we promptly have sex and he keeps begging to take the condom off; our last time before this one he asked me would I have his baby.

After sex we wash up and I put on my clothes and go to the front to wait for him to let me out. I see pictures of his cousin, and, lo and behold, his “cousin” is ole girl from Facebook who was tagging him, etc. And, now she’s saying they are together.  So, I’m SHOCKED because WHY would he lie about being with AND LIVING with her? She even says their relationship is open online and they enjoy it! I would’ve called him out, but then I’d have to do some explaining of my own. Why would he not be honest about her? Why would he let me in their home? He knows I’m content with our set up and they have their agreement, so there should be no issues on either end. I still want to have sex with him (Not in their home) until I am ready to stop it. But, I want him to stop this relationship nonsense between us and for him to tell me about his woman. How would you handle this situation? – Fine With A FWB Situation

Dear Ms. Fine With A FWB Situation,

I swear you all act like you’re 12 years old. He’s lying about his situation. Then, on top of that, he is playing games like he’s in middle school asking you why won’t you give him a chance. This bum is flat out lying saying that he wants to be in a committed relationship with you, yet, he can’t be honest about his “open relationship.” And, you’re not being honest about knowing that you know he is lying. You’re stalking the girl’s Facebook page, and instead of letting him know you are aware of their “open relationship,” you feign ignorant. And, then you’re afraid to tell him you just want to have sex and maintain your friends with benefit (FWB) situation. So, you and he keep this game going between you two – lying to each other, not being honest, afraid to tell each other the truth, AND, you’re having sex with no condoms with a man who has an “open relationship.” Just pure recklessness.

Let me address this –ish about you having sex with no condom with a man whom you know is doggish, and has player ways. AAAAANNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDD, you know he is an “open relationship.” Why would you put yourself at risk for all potential diseases having and knowing this information? What in your head is not clicking that having unprotected sex with him is not only playing Russian Roulette with your life, but there is also the potentiality of becoming pregnant? Then what? And, I know that you are equally slow in the head to believe that you’re the only woman he is having sex with without condoms. You probably believe in your heart that by being his side chick, his nut rag on the side, his go-to bed buddy, that you are the only girl on the side he is having sex with besides his girlfriend that he is in an “open relationship” with. SMDH! Honey, if he is in an open relationship, then trust and believe there are other women he is bringing home, and there are other women who are just as slow and naïve as you are to let him slide up in you all raw dog. Just pure ratchet bird brain dumbness.

And, let’s be very clear about something – you met this guy and had sex with him the same night. You maintain this FWB situation over the years, even while you were in another relationship. You end things with your boyfriend because you found out he lied about having children, and you say, “To me he’s a lying coward to hide children from me for almost 4 years all because I don’t want a man with young children.” Ma’am, sweetie, uhm, you got a lot of nerve. You were cheating on your boyfriend and you’re upset because he lied to you about having children. But, weren’t you lying to him and being dishonest by sleeping with your FWB over the years? You want to call Adam doggish and a player, but aren’t you the same thing? Pot meet kettle.

Now, you feel a type of way because Adam hasn’t been forthright and honest about his situation, and he brought you into his home where he lives with his girlfriend, and had sex with you in their bed, but now you have some morals and values and can’t fathom why he would lie to you? Girl, stop. Please, just stop.

You attract that which you are. Until you are honest with yourself, and truthful about who you are, then you will continue to attract men and these situations into your life. See, what is unfortunate is that you sit up here and want to act righteous and moralistic, yet, you’re just as conniving, sneaky, and dishonest as Adam, and any other man in you want to bring into your life. You want to get upset and get your panties in a bunch when you discover these men are not being honest with you, but, hell, you’re not being honest with them. Why would you expect them to be righteous and just when you’re not? Why would you think you could have a man be faithful and committed to you when you can’t be faithful or be committed to him? But, I get it. I understand why you are upset with them – it’s because it’s easier to ditch them, or end things with them when they don’t live up to what you desire or want. When you catch them in a lie, then you want to end things because it’s easier to dump them before they find out or discover your lies and that you’re dishonest. Grow the hell up and own your –ish!

If you just want to be FWB with Adam, then just tell him. Stop acting like you’re a child and pouting because he’s in an “open relationship,” and he won’t tell you about it. Why does it matter if he has a girlfriend or if they are in an “open relationship?” You only want to have sex with him. You’re not interested in a relationship. Unless you’re lying about it. But, if that doesn’t interest you, and you only want to be casual with him, then tell him. Set the boundaries and be frank about what you’re doing. Let him know that you know about his situation, and it’s cool with you. Let him know that you don’t want a serious relationship, and to keep things the way they are. Get out of your feelings. But, I think the bigger issue is that you want to be FWB with a man who is only committed to you. You’re upset that he has a girlfriend, and they have an “open relationship” and he won’t be honest enough to tell you about it. You knew he was a dog and a player from the very beginning. So, why are you trying to get him to stop what he’s doing? Honey, please stop being Ms. Righteous. You have no moral or ethical fiber in you. You’re just as low and dirty as he is. Own it and just do you. And, if you keep sleeping with him, then you need to wear condoms and protect yourself. Stop deluding yourself and thinking you’re the only woman he’s sleeping with. You’re not. He has other women he’s sleeping with, and you’re in a rotation with these women. And, if he’s begging to take the condom off with you, then just know he is doing this with other women. Frankly, I wouldn’t be sleeping with a man without a condom, especially if I knew that he was in an “open relationship.” No ma’am! – Terrance Dean

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