Dear Bossip: In The Beginning I Held Him Down, Now He Can't Seem To Hold Me Down

Dear Bossip,

I am a 27 year old woman who went back to school over 3 years ago to start a second career as a registered nurse.

My boyfriend and I, of almost 7 years, have a 2 year old son together. All of my life I have been extremely independent. I moved out of my mother’s house when I was 19 and have been taking care of my own since then.

When we first got together, my boyfriend wasn’t very stable in life. I did all I could in my power to help build him into a man (working steadily, getting him to help his parents with bills, etc.). It was hard work, but I slowly started to see improvement.

When I first started school, I had to cut down on my work hours so I could focus on my studies. My boyfriend ended up being the one paying for most of our bills. Not too long after I started school I became pregnant. Luckily, my family is an amazing support system and helps a ton with the baby. But, later in my pregnancy I began having complications and couldn’t work anymore. Also, I was approaching the last semester of school and was advised by my dean that I should not work if possible to focus on school and passing my licensing exam at the end of the semester.

Well, during all of this, my boyfriend makes me feel like the biggest bum on the planet. We have a lot of stress over finances and he constantly tells me I do nothing and that it isn’t fair to him that he works ridiculous hours. Now, I feel terrible. I know he works like a dog and all, but I think it’s “F’d” up of him to belittle me when since the beginning of our relationship I’ve been the provider and the stable one.

For the first time in a long time in my life I’m relying on someone else to hold me down while I try to better myself for the sake of my family. At times, I feel trapped and depressed because I feel like my son and I deserve better in life. He knew what the situation was when I started school and got pregnant. We both knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I felt like we had a partnership and it would be okay in the end. Now, I don’t even know if I want him to share in my success. Is that messed up?

In the bottom of my heart I think I want things to work, but I feel like the disrespect has been too frequent and too far. I don’t want my son to witness that, but at the same time I don’t want him to grow up without a father present in his life. – Nurse My Soul

Dear Ms. Nurse My Soul,

One of the main reasons relationships end, and marriages end in divorce is because of money issues and finances. Money woes ends relationships.

You and boyfriend have been together for 7 years with no marriage, and no progress forward other than playing house, and acting like a married couple. You spend years rebuilding him, and transforming him into the man you want him to be – Again, here we are with another woman changing a man into what she desires and what she wants, and in the end he turns the tables on you. You get him to change his ways, do everything you want him to do, and when they become that man, the better man, he soon forgets all the investment you did. And, because there is no obligation to you, he can simply walk away, with no thanks, and move on to another woman who will thank you for cleaning him up, building him up, and transforming him. But, I digress.

You do all this work in changing him, and then decide to move in together, and have a child. All the while, you want to better yourself, and go back to school and improve your situation. And, while you’re doing all this for yourself and for him you are the one who is footing the bills, taking care of the finances, the house, the bills, and all the economics. SMDH! Now, because you are unable to work due to the pregnancy, then, have his baby, and now it’s his turn to take care of the finances and to support your dream, it is a problem. He can’t and doesn’t seem to be able to function and work the enormous hours to keep you afloat, and he doesn’t see why he should bear the burden of being the sole money-earner in the household. Well, this is what you created, and now you get to see a side of the same man you helped to build and transform turn on you. How does that feel?

Well, I guess you are feeling it because you say that you are depressed, upset, hurt, angry, and reconsidering your relationship, as you should. You want to know why does he belittle you, make you feel bad, and isn’t supportive, or even consider the fact that you held him down in the beginning, and seems to have selective memory about all you’ve done for him. Well, it’s because he doesn’t care, he’s insensitive, inconsiderate, and a jerk. He can’t see the future or what’s ahead of him because he has limited insight, vision, and depth. Notice that it was you who helped him to transform into the man he is today. He couldn’t see that far ahead himself. So, if he can’t see the future for himself, then how can you expect him to see a future for you, him, and your son? He hasn’t had the foresight to even marry you after seven years of being together. Honey, wake up and see this for what it is – a failed relationship. Your investment has now reneged on you, and you can’t even get a return on it.

It’s time you start thinking about you and your child. It’s time that you get back on your feet, get yourself a job, build yourself a nice savings, and find yourself an apartment for you and your child. This relationship has run its course. If your man can’t handle this, or support you now, then how can he support you in the future? He holds resentment toward you, and he resents that you are making him take on all the bills while he assumes you’re laying up at home only taking care of your child, and not contributing to the household finances. He feels you are taking his money out of his pocket, leaving him with little for himself, and he probably feels he is working all these hours only to get nothing in return. Therefore, he doesn’t see a future with you. He doesn’t see why he needs to invest in you and his child, and the future that you want to have. You and he are not on the same page.

Therefore, get yourself together, and start rethinking how you can do for you and your son as a single parent. Get your career, and spend some time building yourself, loving yourself, and investing in yourself. It’s time to do for you. You’ve done for your man and poured into him, so, now it’s time to pour into yourself. Trust me, he will regret this down the road, especially when you are gone, out of his life, and you put him on child support. Yes, put him on child support, and let him continue to be responsible for his child. He can be part of his child’s life, and you can work out arrangements for joint custody, or visitation. You don’t have to be bitter about this situation, just smarter and wiser. Be better for yourself and your child. Be better because you deserve better. And, finally, you can have the peace of mind, happiness, and joy you deserve and need. Why be in a miserable relationship that causes you to be depressed, or with a man who makes you feel un-needed, unwanted, and a burden? – Terrance Dean

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