Dear Bossip: We Were Friends For 15 Years, But She Never Acted Like A Friend So I Ended It

Dear Bossip,

I was friends with a girl for over 15 years and I recently fired her last year.

My thoughts wavered on this decision for a while, and because we were friends for so long, at least I thought, I hoped I made the right decision.

So, she lives about 20-30 minutes away from me and has never really had transportation. I accepted that because of her situation, so I just visited her all the time. I have even gone to see her when my car was on the verge of breaking down, and I went to her get-together at her home.  She FINALLY got a car and I expected to see her, but I didn’t. She was always out with her other friends, which wasn’t a problem, but I thought since we were “so called” besties she would come check me out. SHE NEVER DID.

One day she calls out of the sky blue talking about she know she hasn’t really been a good friend and she is gonna come visit. SHE NEVER DID. I mentioned to her that I felt like I only saw her when I came to visit her, and I didn’t like that as that’s not a good friendship to me. She responded by saying we have two different work schedules and she’s not gonna drive all the way to my house (20-30 minutes away) just to come right back. We were on different work schedules when I used to visit her. So, I left it alone and said to myself I’m not going back to her house anymore because I’m not going to be going to your house if you can’t come to mine. SHE NEVER CAME TO MY HOME EITHER.

On her birthday, one year, I didn’t have a car but I got a good friend to take me out so I could meet her at the club to support her. I’ve even went to her birthday gathering at her home. SHE NEVER came to visit me on mine. I’ve seen plenty of pictures where she has drove through my town, and she has driven over an hour to go to other places. I got pregnant and I called and told her. NOT ONCE did she come see me while I was pregnant. She texted me at 8am the morning of my shower saying she had car trouble. Also, said she would bring the baby stuff that following week. SHE NEVER DID. By this time I just didn’t have a need to call her anymore.

I gave birth and she called talking about she was gonna come visit. SHE NEVER DID. I had another bestie drive 3 hrs to come see me, but she couldn’t drive 20 minutes and she was off! SMH!

About a month after I gave birth she called asking how we were doing. I told her fine, but mentioned how she didn’t visit us. She said, “I know girl,” VERY nonchalantly. So, at that point I cut the convo short. Then, she texted me right after we hung up asking am I holding a grudge because she wasn’t there for me the way she should have been. My grandma always said, “A hit dog will holler!”

My question is am I wrong for ending the relationship? Does she sound like a friend? Was it worth saving? If you are a bestie then I expect you to be around for the important things in my life. If there was a problem she should’ve said something because I can’t read minds. I know I can overreact sometimes, but it didn’t feel genuine anymore. We stopped having things to talk about. After a while, I noticed we didn’t really talk anymore. I didn’t call, and she didn’t call. Every time we tried to plan stuff it NEVER worked out. Like something would happen every time. I started to feel like my spirit was speaking to me about her. I stopped worrying and started giving time to people who were giving time to me, and in the midst I forgot about her. I always thought we would pick back up, but I don’t think so this time. It will NEVER be the same. I always thought she was a good friend, but I guess not. What do you think about this? – Lost My Friend

Dear Ms. Lost My Friend,

She was never ever your friend, or your bestie. I think you gave her too much credence and too much worth in your relationship. There is a saying that people come into your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. She came into your life for a reason, but you kept her around for a season, a very long 15 year season. The behaviors she exhibited with not visiting you, calling you, checking in on you, or the fact that she never came to see you while you were pregnant, yet, she was visiting other people and driving by your home without stopping by, uhm sweetie, those signs were always there. She had always been that type of friend, but you were so blinded by your need to have a friend that you overlooked everything.

You spent more time going to her home, running behind her, visiting her, and going out of your way to be her friend that you failed to realize that she was not returning or reciprocating the friendship you desired. When you did mention something to her she gave the excuse that the reason she couldn’t visit is because you lived too far, and it wouldn’t make sense for her to drive to your home and go back home when she worked different schedules than you. Well, what does that have to do with anything? Why not visit on the weekends? Why not stop by after work, or before work and leave from your home and go to work? How about when you were pregnant and she didn’t reach out to you? She has made so many excuses as to why she couldn’t be a friend and support you that you let this “reason” of a friendship extend to a long drawn out “season.”

I don’t know why you need confirmation to know if you did the right thing by ending the relationship. You know you did the right thing. You know that she wasn’t a true and real friend. You knew it was time to let her go and not worry about it any longer. Therefore, why are you getting in your feelings about it?

You did the right thing by walking away. You did the right thing by letting it run its course and letting it fizzle. This friendship has been dead for years, and you were still carrying it along trying to resuscitate it. You can’t give life to dead things, and dead situations. You were to learn a lesson from that friendship. She was in your life for a reason, and I hope you learned that reason. I can gather it was to teach you that you shouldn’t let others take advantage of you. Don’t be too quick to invite and allow people in your life who won’t show you the same type of support, love, nurturing, and respect you give and desire. Don’t be too quick to call folks friends. I’m sure there are other lessons, but you know your relationship with her, so take a deep long look over the years and begin to assess what you overlooked, and what you ignored, and then begin the work of acknowledging how you could have been done with this friendship years ago. So, be glad it’s over. Be happy you don’t have to force someone to call you, show up in your life, and be a friend when you need one. She was never that. Hopefully you will learn the lessons and then you can appreciate and know when true friendships will show up in your life. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!