I’m a 29-year old mother of two children, and I was in a relationship for 4 ½ years with a man (not the father of my kids), and he has a daughter from a previous relationship as well.
Our relationship was mostly good until we hit a rough patch towards the last year of our relationship. We were on and off for few months, and during that time we both dated other people. When we got back together we had a lot of trust issues and found it hard to forgive one another. By this point I had already invested so much in the relationship that I wanted it to work regardless, but no matter how much I tried he didn’t want to immediately get back together.
Months after we broke up, he would come and go as he pleased. We were back and forth and it was very frustrating for me so I gave him an ultimatum I told him that he either wanted to make it work and we move forward, or, that I was leaving to another city to start over without him. He begged me not to go, but I left anyway because I didn’t think things would change and I wanted him to see what life was like without me in hopes he’d run after me.
We ended up keeping in touch for months and talked about working things out. After 7 months I moved back, but upon moving back he made a confession to me. He said while I was away he tried to get over me with someone else and now she’s pregnant with his son. He said he still loves me and that he didn’t love her, and it was a mistake. He apologized for not telling me sooner. I was devastated. I cried and felt so depressed. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I blocked his number, but 2-3 weeks later he was calling me from his job, calling me through Facebook, and calling me from a private number. I spoke with him a second time after many missed calls and he seemed really upset about his situation and begged me to talk to him. He said he felt forced to be with someone he doesn’t love and, blah blah blah. I ended up feeling sorry him, and I started talking to him again, but 2 weeks later he said the pregnant girl was threatening to hurt herself and he was going to be with her and that he cared too much about her and his unborn child to not try to work it out. SMDH!
I feel stupid once again and a part of me feels that he may come back to me again and I really don’t want to be involved, but I’m so weak and don’t know how to let go. I don’t know what to think or believe. I feel so depressed about everything. I feel like life for me hasn’t gotten better and I’m tired. – It’s Gone Downhill
Dear Ms. It’s Gone Downhill,
He’s made a choice. He’s decided on what he’s going to do, and it does not involve you. Therefore, why are you depressed? Why are you mopping and crying over a man who clearly doesn’t want to be with you? Besides, he made that choice a long time ago when you broke up the first time. So, again, why are you crying and being depressed over him?
Look, you broke up with him because your relationship had some problems, and because of trust issues, and his inability to commit to you. Then, after giving him an ultimatum to get it together or lose you, you felt it best to move away and hoped he would run after you. Welp, he didn’t run after you, and instead he ran to another woman for comfort and now she is pregnant. So, therefore, I’m not so sure what you are finding so hard to get over about him, and why do you let him keep coming back into your life? He let you go. He didn’t come chasing after you. He was able to find someone else to keep him company.
You are the one who is keeping this rollercoaster of a relationship going with him. So, ask yourself why do you allow it? It ended because you both were doing your own thing, and you had trust issues. Then, when you decided to get back together he wasn’t so sure he wanted to be in a relationship with you. That should have been the end of it. But, you couldn’t let him go. You moved and hoped he would come chasing you. He didn’t. But, you allowed him to call and you were hoping he had changed. He hadn’t. Seven months later he tells you that while you were gone, and in order for him to get over you he met someone else and now she’s pregnant. Ma’am, he didn’t waste any time moving on from you. He found someone relatively fast and quick, and jumped in the bed with her. Again, this was the perfect time to walk away, and end it with him. But, yet, again you let him back and hoped things would change and he would be with you. So, you go back to where you started, and then he hits you with another bombshell. His baby momma, the woman he claims he doesn’t love and doesn’t want to be with, is threatening to harm herself and the baby if he doesn’t be with her. So, he feels it is best to make things work with her for the sake of his baby. Basically, he is dumping you and moving on. Now, again, I don’t see why it is so hard to let him go, and why you can’t move on. He doesn’t want to be with you. He is going to focus his energy and time with his baby momma, his relationship with her, and making sure his child is born. Ma’am, he’s made a choice. And, you are not the choice.
Therefore, move on. Let him go. Stop this back and forth with him. But, the real reason you can’t let go is because you feel bad that you’ve invested 4 ½ years into this relationship hoping it would lead to something, and all you got is heartbreak, and him getting another woman pregnant. He didn’t marry you. He didn’t give you another child. He didn’t invest in your relationship. So, you’re wondering what is it about her that he is willing to commit himself and give his all to her. Why is it that she gets to have his child and not you? You’re wondering if he will marry her. You’re upset that it only took a few months for her to get what you’ve been waiting for 4 ½ years. There is no rhyme or reason. Life had another plan, and be glad you get to see who he is and how you dodged the bullet. Take this as a lesson learned. Always follow your gut and your instincts. When you ended it you knew it was over. You knew he would not or could not be the man you wanted. When he didn’t come chasing after you when you moved you knew it was over and done with. You have to grow up and stop this childish immature desiring for a man who keeps you hanging around. You have to be mature and know what is best for you. He isn’t what is best for you. Besides, why would you want to be with a man who is with someone else? So, let it be over. Stop going backwards. Move forward with your life. He is not the end all and be all. At some point you have to recognize your own self-worth and value, otherwise you will keep allowing him and others to walk all over you. – Terrance Dean
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