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Dear Bossip,

I have been married to a controlling man for 5 years.

We have 2 beautiful children. He doesn’t want me wearing certain clothes. He won’t let me go out to the club with my family. He doesn’t want me to go to college. I finally got him to “let me” go to the gym. Things have gotten abusive. One time, since the 9 years we’ve been together, and he physically attacked me. Lately, we have lost chemistry. We don’t even walk side by side. We both do our separate things on our phones and we really don’t spend much time together.

So, I play a certain game on my phone that also has open chat and here comes “Prince Charming.” We have lots in common. He’s 13 years older than me and has much more life experience than I, and he’s easy on the eyes. He lives about hundreds of miles away, but he plans to come visit one day. We have great conversation. I feel that I may be having an emotional affair with this guy and I know it’s wrong. So, I keep trying to forget about him, but I can’t. I feel so attached and attracted to him.

I finally got my hubby to agree to me going back to school after a couple of arguments about it. I do plan on leaving him once I finish. He doesn’t know that yet, but I don’t want to keep beating a dead horse. He’s too jealous, controlling and emotionally unavailable. But, my family is making me feel bad by wanting to divorce him because he is a good provider. I am a stay-at-home mom. My question is should I leave this guy alone? Should I continue to talk to him as a “friend?” He has expressed that he feels a bond between he and I, but I just don’t know what to do. Please, Bossip, help me. PLEASE?!?! – Miserable Marriage

Dear Ms. Miserable Marriage,

Leave the guy alone. He is not your friend. He is not your sounding board. Stop confessing, professing, and romanticizing a relationship with a man you don’t even know. You have a bigger issue on your hands and you worried about whether or not you should continue to pursue a relationship with a man whom you don’t even know. Girl, grow up.

I’m curious to know why you married a controlling man, and I am sure that at least the four years prior to marrying him you knew he was controlling. Ma’am these signs of abuse, control, and aggressive behavior didn’t just start. They have always been there, and you have to ask yourself why did you ignore those signs? Why did you get married to a man that exhibited behaviors of abuse, control and aggression? I am sure he was telling you what to do, what to wear, and where to go while you were dating him. This did not happen overnight. This has been ongoing for a while, and you have been putting up with it for years. Why do you stay?

You know that you are in an abusive relationship. You know that he is controlling. So, instead of waiting to leave after you finish school, why not leave now? You can get the divorce and move on with your life. What does your family have to do with it? Why do you care if they are making you feel bad for leaving a horrible situation? Why stay in an unhealthy relationship?

If you want change, then make it happen. You cannot wait on someone else to create change for you. Change happens when you make it happen. You’re not happy in your marriage, then change it. You’re not happy with what you’re doing in life, then change it. Your husband cannot grant you, or give you the change you want. He is in your way. He is the obstacle. You are asking for his permission to do certain things, i.e. to go to the gym, to go back to school, if you can go with you family and friends, and what to wear. You are not his child. You are a grown woman. You don’t need his approval to go back to school, or to go to the gym. Just go and do you.

And, why are you entertaining another man in a virtual world? You are on some app, or whatever virtual internet chat room talking with another man about your life and relationship. Why? Your marriage is in trouble, and you are in an abusive relationship, and instead of seeking advice, counseling, or resources to get out of your situation you are on some app talking with a stranger about hooking up. That doesn’t even make sense. You are being mentally and emotionally abused by your husband and you think you have the emotional wherewithal to entertain another relationship and that you are mentally and emotionally equipped to possibly date another man? Girl, stop. Just stop.

If you don’t want to be married, then get the divorce. If you are being abused then why would your family encourage you to stay with an abuser? If you are not happy, and your husband is controlling, and mentally and emotionally abusing you, then leave. You are in an unhealthy relationship. It is not stimulating you. He is not encouraging you, empowering you, uplifting you, or even celebrating you. Ma’am, you can’t stay in this relationship and hope change will occur, or even that after you get your college education that you will leave him and you will find your peace. Why remain and stay another day, minute, or second with someone who is physically abusive? Save yourself. Save yourself for your children. Save your life. You’ve got to think of your own well-being and that of your children. And, entertaining another man is not going to resolve or fix your problem. It is time to focus on yourself. Focus on your health, well-being, sanity, and life. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!


Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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