Dear Bossip: I've Met Everyone, Yet, He Says He Doesn't Want A Relationship

Dear Bossip,

I am a 36 year old female who is a divorced mother of one.

Although, I have only been divorced for a couple of months, I’ve been separated for a little over a year. I recently (maybe about 3 months or so) started dating a man that is about four years younger than I am. Although, when I met him I was not necessarily looking for a relationship, I’ve found that the more time that we have spent together the more I want him to be a part of my life.

The problem is that he has told me that he does not want a relationship right now. He says, “I don’t want to be alone, so I keep a small circle of friends around me. I’m just not ready for a relationship.” In the very beginning he and I talked for hours about our views on marriage, children, life, etc. He’s never been married nor does he have children. We’ve both found that we have SO very much in common. He has even gone to the extent of asking me to have children for him!

Since the first day that we have met we’ve been inseparable. We go out ALL the time, whether movies, dinner, lunch or breakfast. We hang out at his home or just talk on the phone for hours. We’ve been intimate on several occasions. I spend the night at least 1 or 2 times a week to the point that the neighbors know who I am. When the conversation came up about ‘a relationship’ for the second time, about 2 weeks ago, he told me he felt like I was, “Too attached and he wanted to put a little space, not too much, but a little space in between us.”

So, I decided to back off and basically let him ‘do him’ (and that was on a Monday). Well, for the rest of the week he was calling and texting all day (as usual). By Thursday he asked if he could take me out to dinner. Reluctantly, I said yes because although I know his views on relationships, I still love spending time and talking with him. After dinner we went back to his home. Long story short, I spent the night.

One day later, (Saturday), he invited me to an event that his job was giving and I attended. He introduced me to some of his co-workers and during the entire time was very attentive. He was kissing me, holding me, rubbing my back, feeding me, and buying me drinks. At the end of the night he walked me to my car (we were both a little tipsy), and we were just talking when his co-worker came up to us and said, “Go on and fall in love with her. There is nothing wrong with loving someone. Stop being afraid. This is the one you have been talking about right? Just do it.” And, they walked away.

We laughed, but I could tell that what his co-worker said affected him because of the way he looked at me (but maybe it was the alcohol too). So, we left and went back to his house and I spent the night again. With all of this said my problem is I don’t understand what this man’s deal is. He is a very nice guy, so I wouldn’t expect him to act like an A-Hole. However, if a person doesn’t want a relationship then what is the point of introducing ‘your friend’ to co-workers, telling your pastor, and family members about her? What’s the point of talking about kids, marriage and how happy he is that we met? What’s the point of putting time and effort into this ‘friendship’ that may not turn into a relationship because ‘you’ are not ready?

I’m trying to understand this myself because I don’t want any surprises in the long run, but I feel that this man is so indecisive. He says one thing one day out of the month but the other days he shows me something totally different! I just don’t know what I should do. – Dazed & Confessed!

Dear Ms. Dazed & Confused,

Stop going to his home at night and staying over. Stop having sex with him. Stop being accessible when he calls, texts, and wants to hang out. Stop allowing him to introduce you to people in his life, and he won’t introduce you as his woman. Stop letting him decide and dictate your relationship, meaning the one he doesn’t want to commit to, or even pursue with you.

As long as you remain available to him then he will continue to play these games with you and lead you down a road to nowhere. He says one thing but his actions are showing something else. His indecisiveness is nothing but a grown ass man who is playing games and wants to have his cake and eat it too. Sorry, but you can’t keep allowing him access to your life, emotions, feelings, and heart and you don’t demand any clear cut answers from him, or for him to make a choice on whether or not you’re going to be in a relationship.

But, let’s look at the fact that he’s told you that he doesn’t want a relationship. The moment he said that you should have left him alone. But, you allowed him into your head and between your legs. You allowed him to continue to treat you like the “kick it” woman he likes to have a good time with. You didn’t demand anything more or better for yourself, and he is taking advantage of it.

Then, he told you that he felt you were becoming too attached, and he needed some space. Yet, he continued to call, text, and ask you out. Uhm, I’m sorry, but he seems more attached to you, and he doesn’t want to admit it. However, and yet again, when he told you that he needed space then you should have given him all the space he needed and left him for good. The fact he that he told you that you were too attached is code for, “You’re not the woman for me, and I don’t want you to develop feelings because this is not going anywhere.” But, then he turned around and invited you out, and you accepted the invitation. As long as you continue to be available and continue to let him enter and exit as he pleases, then he will continue this charade with you. LEAVE HIM!

Look, you don’t have time to play games, or figure out what he wants and why he won’t admit what he wants from you. Instead of going along, and not speaking up, it’s time that you say something and demand that he either –ish or get off the pot. There will be no more answering his calls, or texts every times he reached out to you. There will be no hanging out, going out, or dinners. And, there will definitely be no more sleeping and having sex, or staying the night at his home. Until he can articulate what exactly his intentions are, and where this is going between you, then you put it on ice, and you don’t continue to allow yourself to be accessible to him.

He will continue to play these games with you because you allow it. He figures that you’re okay with this situation, and therefore, if you don’t demand anything, he won’t give you anything more. He figures that as long as he’s keeping you happy, maintaining contact, sleeping with you, and taking you out then you shouldn’t complain. End it.

Tell him that until he is able to man up, express his intentions, share his feelings, and let you know how he feels about you, your situation, and if it is going anywhere, then you are taking a much needed break to reflect, replenish, and remember who you are and not let anyone lead you on or lead you to some unclear future. You need clear answers. You need a man who is about his business, and a man who is serious about being with you. And, hell to the naw, you are not going to be having his babies, or making babies out of wedlock, especially with an indecisive man and a man who can’t express his love, emotions, or feelings for his woman. But, more importantly, take the time to ask yourself why do you allow him to treat you this way, and why don’t you demand more for yourself. Why do you continue to let him tell you what he doesn’t want, and you allow him to have access to your life whenever he wants. It’s time to choose what is important to you and for you. It’s time to give him an ultimatum to either commit or leave you alone. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!