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Dear Bossip,

I am in my mid 20s and so is my boyfriend. He recently moved back to our home state after playing college basketball.

We have been dating for 4 months. I have been hurt in the past and took things slow and quite cautious. Things have been quite well until I Googled his height (he is VERY tall), and I found recent postings on craigslist soliciting gay/bi sex…including multiple d*** pics (that’s how I KNEW it was him).

One ad even mentioned him looking for a bi guy to f**k his girlfriend. He had told me one time before that was a fantasy of his (watching a guy f**k me). I took screen shots of the 5 ads and confronted him, which he adamantly denied. He seemed as shocked and as sick as I did……but I still don’t believe him. I ended things, but he wants to prove to me he didn’t post those ads. My thing is if it was somebody else they really knew a lot of info about him. I really want to believe him, as I thought I was in love with this man, but the evidence is too suspicious.

I am so embarrassed I really don’t want to talk to my friends or family about it. That’s why I need your help and opinion please!! Do you think I am over reacting? Or do you think he is lying? – Sick in Milwaukee

Dear Ms. Sick In Milwaukee,

SMDH! The things and shenanigans you folks go through, particularly about these men who are living a double life and secretly sleeping with other men. I hear so many conversations from women talking about how they know what they’re man is doing, and he is not sneaking out or stepping out, especially not with another man because they got themselves a real man. Bwahahahaha! I just give them the sideline and sip my tea.

But, I’m inclined to look at this situation from two different sides. I know, right! Two possible scenarios to this drama and scandal. Get ready, and buckle up.

So, let’s give your man the benefit of the doubt, and let’s observe the first scenario: 1.) Let’s just say, and this is hypothetical, that your man did not post those pics or ads. And, let’s just say, and this is hypothetical, that at one point your boyfriend may have posted some pics online of himself on that website, but, he was not soliciting gay/bi sex, he was actually soliciting sex from women. He was trying to connect with women in the city or town he was in while playing college ball, or while he was traveling with the team.

Or, let’s say he sent the pics to a girl to her cell phone while he was in school, and she decided that she would post the pics online (You know a jealous and jaded woman will do some devious things). So, with these situations as possible hypotheticals, let’s say that someone saw the pics, and liked what they saw, so they lifted his pics from internet (You do know people steal other people pics and use them as their own), and that this person used the pics as their own to solicit gay/bi sex. Then, your boyfriend could not be guilty about the pics and solicitation for gay/bi sex, and he is genuinely shocked that his pics are online for gay/bi sex. But, if you know his d**k, and can pick it out from any line up, then he needs to address how his d**k pics got online. Besides, he’s feeling and thinking, “Hey, they are only d**k pics. There is no face attached to them, so how does she really know it’s me?” So, deny, deny, deny!

That is probably why he is denying the pics are his because he has to confess to his truth. And, the truth may be that he possibly did post pics to solicit sex from women online, or that he was sending his d**k pic to random women while in college, and any one of them could have posted his pic online. Which, then, he would have to explain being a hoe, and blah, blah, blah. So, he is feigning shock and dismay. Clutching his pearls because he knows he has to tell the truth about his hoe-dome, and so, he is either going to lie to you or on his d**k. He chose both. Bwahahahahahaha!

However, I’m a little leery about this scenario because I’m even questioning the fact of why is he soliciting sex online and he is a college basketball player? We all know college athletes get the snatch thrown at them, so for him to solicit it online wouldn’t make logical sense, right? He’s getting some good-good all the time. (Sips tea)

But, if he wants some ding-a-ling, then he can’t get it on campus because he’s not out, and no one knows his secret. Therefore, he has to go online and solicit it, and do his business far away from campus and away from any watchful eyes. (Sips tea)

Now, here is the next scenario: 2.) Yes, those are his d**k pics, and he is soliciting gay/bi sex, and he is busted. You took the screenshots and confronted him with the evidence, because you know that d**k from anyplace, and it is distinct from anyone. Also, the fact that in the ads the person knew some key facts and details about his description. They didn’t make up any of this information, or details. They described him to a “T.” Therefore, instead of owning up and admitting it is him, he acts just like you, and says he’s shocked. But, it’s only because he got caught, and his secret is out. So, he does what any man who has been caught with the evidence staring them right in their face. He denies, denies, denies it is him. Again, because the pic is not of his face, but of his peen, he feigns shock and dismay. He wants to prove to you that he is not gay (How he’s going to do this I’m not sure. How do you prove you’re not gay or bi?). Sips tea.

Now, I give you major kudos for taking pics of the screenshot, and confronting him. But, my little clever Diva sleuth, you should have taken it a step further for actual and factual proof. You should have responded to the ad posing as a solicitor to the ad, and once the person responded, then you should have set up a possible meet. That way you would have his email address from him. Then, you should have met them at the designated place, and if your boyfriend would have walked up, then you should have pulled out all your evidence, including photos, the screenshots, and his response to the ads. He can’t deny the email, and him responding. So, how would he explain it wasn’t him? (Sips tea)

So, there, you have two scenarios, but, I’m leaning more toward that your man is gay/bi. And, it’s because you did me one better. You said that one of your boyfriend’s ad mentioned him wanting a bi guy to freak his girlfriend. And, you remembered a pivotal conversation in which your boyfriend said to you that his fantasy was to watch another man freak you. Uhm, why? And, uhm, did he want the bi guy to freak you, and then him next? (Sips tea)

Therefore, I’m deducing, and saying you did right my clever little Diva sleuth. You’ve caught your man red-handed, presented the facts and proof, ended the relationship, and now he is stumbling and bumbling. He wants to prove to you that he didn’t post the pics or ads, and it’s only because now his secret is out. He fears you’re going to tell other women, or his friends, and put him blast. Which you should. But, he fears being outed, and it’s because he’s been living a double life, and leading not only you, but other women on into believing he is something he is not. (Sips tea)

Be happy it only lasted four months, and you got the truth before it ended up being a year, or years later and you learned the truth about him. You’d be devastated, and crushed, and possibly staying with him because you were head over heels in love, and refused to believe that your man was posting ads online soliciting gay/bi sex.

I recommend that you do speak to someone, and let go of the hurt and anger. You mentioned that you’ve been hurt in the past, and here we are again with a repeat of you being hurt again by another man. So, getting help, and speaking with someone will help you let go of this pain so that you won’t internalize it and make all men out to be dogs who prey on you. These are isolated incidents, and the last thing I want you to do is to think you had something to do with this. You did not. Do not become a victim. Be a victor and celebrate that you dodge a bullet before it penetrated. You’re smart, wise, and you did the right thing by investigating the situation, presenting the facts you had, and deciding for yourself that you won’t allow him to get away with something that you know in your heart to be true. He needs to own up to who he really is, and also get help himself. But, this is not going to happen because he is denial. So, move on, keep doing you, and don’t let him back in your life. Just keep reminding yourself with those photos of what he did, and what he is about. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
             
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